“Feckin’ ejiot cut me off”
Viewer Discretion Is Advised.
It’s a gloomy Monday morning, it’s overcast, damp and you’ve just started your car engine. It’s about 5 degrees outside and the car air is crisp. You’re a bit annoyed because your Brennan’s bread got burnt in the toaster, you smacked your pinky toe off the nightstand and you knew you shouldn’t have stayed up watching that episode of (insert popular Netflix series here).
To add to your Monday morning blues, some overly enthusiastic, overly lively and seemingly young inidivual announces over the radio that the day will only hold more of the same crap your enduring right now, which not to mention is contributing the fogging up of your rear window.
You start your daily commute to the office….
- To start this very important article we must inform you the reader that in fact only real toast eaters use Mc Cambridge’s.
- A new poll conducted by the RSA has shown that only a whopping 6% of the public feels comfortable when merging onto the motorway. Our reporters interviewed some victims of serial merging syndrome or abbreviated as ‘SMS’ by leading clinical psychologists.
Poll definitely carried out, stop questioning the legitimacy of this site.
- According to multiple leading clinical and traffical psychologists in Ireland almost everyone has a form of the condition. However the most effected include heavy-haulage truck drivers, young gentlemen in Audi’s, car-pooling mums and elderly citizens. There are definitely a few others but these are amongst the most dangerous offenders. Note that these individuals fall into certain categories; for example ‘the lane changer‘ and ‘the accident gawker’.
Meet Paul. Paul drives 30 mins to work everyday from his town.
Paul was driving onto the slip lane at junction 8 on the M50. “As I was accelerating, out of the corner of my eye I saw a 16 wheeler only gaining speed on the inside lane. Feckin ejiot cut me off and before I knew it i was on the shoulder.
- It’s best to assume the truck will never let you in. Take all precautions and to be safe, wave a white surrendering flag outside the window of your vehicle to let them know your not going to invade their personal trucker space anytime within the next 60 meters of slip. It’s best to practice along the junctions of busy roads, typically near airports and industrialized areas. White flag can be made out of rag or bought in all leading French stores.
- In order to feel more confident when merging, follow this step by step guide to ensure your safety every time you wish to integrate your tin box into a mass of other tin boxes.
- Take the SMS test by self diagnosis, simply use the formula (weight of pedal+passive aggressiveness) x ( power of engine – hours of sleep had the night before).
- When you’ve found your number multiply by 100 and divide by 20 if you use an earpiece, or divide by 2 if you think car air fresheners are a nice adage to stale air.
- If you’re on the high end of the spectrum, stop drinking your morning coffee, get calm and be patient, because road rage will only raise your heart rate more. If you get annoyed because a geriatric in a Yaris doesn’t let you in, play Coldplay on repeat and make yourself comfortable in the thought that they won’t be around for too long.
- If you’re on the low end of the spectrum, or the driver who is
- softy softy when competing for precious car lengths in mid November traffic, well…..buy a f**cking monster truck. Fit that thing with a V8 and place flame racer decals on the side of the truck. Ford is ideal but a Chevy is just as intimidating.
- What’s better than being 2 meters above equally miserable people? Right?
Yeah go you!
Someone doesn’t let you in? Run them over!
- Now if you happen to own a firearm, well don’t use it to force others to let you in, because Leo Varad-car will ship you off to a remote African island, without Barry’s tea, or a tv to watch the Saturday game.