Young Dublin Climate Activist Comes to a Deadly Realisation.

Niamh suddenly disappears into the 4th dimension when asked a simple question.

It’s 1.pm outside of the Custom House in Dublin. Yet another global warming march is taking place. 10,000 students are marching for their future. Without a doubt, these individuals are completely devout to their cause. They really practise what they preach. It’s clear in fact, that from trying talking to a few guys and girls today that these crusaders have nothing but dedication for the greater good.

For instance, just outside of the main congregation of protesters we managed to speak to Niamh, a 16-year-old 5th year. When asked what she thinks of the current climate situation, Niamh expertly responds with a cleverly and coherently constructed response. Or so we thought at the start…

Niamh: “Yeah, erm, I mean like the world is just about hotter than Leonardo di Caprio at the moment. I think that everyone here are doing their best to combat this crisis. It’s going to heavily influence our future. I believe that the main issue is carbon emissions.”

Good start. Every reasonable person assumes she’s willing to lead by example, right? I mean she’s young, ambitious and a visionary, just like all those other climate crusaders, right? Please?

Interviewer: “Oh right great, so does this mean that you won’t fly on holidays abroad this summer to Portugal and release 900kg of carbon emissions to get there and back?”

Niamh’s face starts to shrivel.

And, as predicted, under such harsh facts had spontaneously combusted. Her brain short-circuited, creating a micro-blackhole; which transported her body, mind and soul into the 4th dimension by means of quantum self-absorption. Condolences to her beloved family.

SERIOUS NOTE: 

This climate crisis is very, very real. And it doesn’t take my explanation, well, because it has just about every person with at least their head screwed on behind the movement to mitigate the issues we’re facing. However, many can agree that in fact there’s a worrying amount of hypocrisy surrounding the issue, and we’re all the main culprits to be honest. However, without a doubt these ‘protests’ are microcosms of how all of our mindsets really work. We still go abroad, spend hours in our carbon tin boxes in traffic and buy cheap, mass produced clothes which were transported halfway across the globe to Pennys store in Dundrum. Half of the students there today aren’t remotely prepared to make these changes. And myself included, being a young student, I think that activism without true activism is devoid of moral integrity and is completely fruitless.

Next climate aware article will be from my Villa in the Algarve. 

 

NSFW WARNING: Sri-Lanka Byrne meets the ideal man.

Sri-Lanka catches a real masculine, matcho, manly man.

16th June 20-noiner-teener

Dear diary,

Last night was fully successful. Met a guy in town from St. Visa, who happens to be on the Leinster Academy rugger team. Name’s Atlas. We hit things off immediately. I’m a Sagittarius and thanks be to the holy lordo, he’s not a Gemini. He said he liked my accent, and the fact that Loreto on the Bank is over 2.5 mill a year to attend.

Than things got really steamy…He said he’d been to exotic and dangerous places (personal turn on). I love a sophisticated man (well travelled). He explained to me his far, wide and treacherous journeys to isolated tribes, like ‘Bray’ for example.

Turns out he also lives in a South Side compound near mine. I think the place was called ‘Shankill’. Supposedly the compound has voice recognition, so I guess if you sound like you fly Ryanair and go to Blanchardstown to get Krispy Kreme donuts at 3am, the compound private security guards will know about it.

Quick diary update: That snap of me in Thailand with a sedated tiger on the insta just got photo of the week in the SouthernWeekly! #takemeback 😝

I love a man who can provide security, both financially, emotionally and most importantly…through overbearing brutal and lethal force. He said they’ll get their new laser defense weapon systems from Israel in a day or two from now, so then I’ll be able to pay a stellar visit to my new full-back boyfriend.

The mother last night, while sipping on a largo glass of Hendrick’s said that going out of the compound like this is really dangerous, but after I mentioned to her that Atlas owns a place out in Portugal and that his Daddy is the Big Chief of a money bank, she said I could take the ‘rover some day.

With lots of like really passionate love and that jazz,

Yours sincerely, Sri x

Multiple garda units reported needing counseling after longitude festival.

Read this breathtaking report. Cultchies, Private Schools and the dreaded Orchard Theives attack by transition year students.

Multiple Garda units stationed to supervise and protect the public at this year’s ‘longitude’ festival have been admitted to intensive healthcare units after multiple traumatic experiences and sleep deprivation.

The constant onslaught from youngsters at the festival looking for photos has left 50 members of the country’s most hardened veteran guardaí fighting for their mental stability in Ireland’s most advanced mental hospitals.

Many eye-witnesses conclude that the photo attacks came mainly from culchies wearing their county jerseys and South Dublin private school girls. One brave garda said in a private statement, ” I was stationed there right outside the main crowd for the Versatile performance. It was posh private school kids for miles, probably just out of their junior cert, trying to sound like knackers while singing key verses to Versatile’s Dublin City G’s “.

For 3 whole days…Our country’s most advanced units had to put up with cup team rugby lads getting photos for the gram, drunk Loretto on the Bank girlos and the occasional overly-friendly Kerry lad wearing a John Deere cap and a pinstriped shirt.

Another garda, known only in his local Dublin station as ‘Franko’ was left stationed alone for 13 hours in the most dangerous and unforgiving zone in the festival…the dreaded ‘snapchat zone’. ‘Franko’ states, ” It was 6pm and a performance had finished ahead of me. In an instant, from a distance, I saw my partner ‘Mesho’ be swarmed by an army of lads wearing ‘guess’ jumpers”.

God bless the brave garda who was last seen drowning in a pool of sweat mercilessly released by the most dangerous subjects at this year’s Longitude festival… the bare-chested transition year student wielding a deadly cup of Orchard Thieves.

 

 

 

 

The South-Side Dáil has voted for a wall to be constructed in Dublin to keep North-Siders out.

“The South-Side alliance shall stand tall, bound together behind a 10 foot wall!”. Read the controversial proposal.

A controversial motion was put forward in the South Side Dáil last weekend:

‘Build a wall to keep North-Siders out of South Dublin and her surrounding areas’

Things were getting very heated. Especially between a particular few South-Sider ministers and a representative from Ballyscrambler, North-Side Dublin.

“We need to keep the North-Siders out! They’re plaguing the streets with Honda Civics and they’re bringing our image down!” argued Minister for Jaguar X-type production, India Fitzroyal.

The other ministers murmured between themselves. Suddenly a voice chirped up from row number 6.

“I agree” states Minister for Valle de Lobo condos, Jonathan Fitzomer. “Lily May was taking a bath last night while a group of fowl mouthed girls wandered around outside on our street. The window was open and she could hear every word! She’s now lost her pure blooded South-Side accent!”

The South-Side Dáil gasps with astonishment. Áine Byrne, a former Southernese language trainer in row number 3 faints.

“I can’t have a convo with her nowadays without Lily May mentioning terrible North-Sider things”.

“Just how am I supposed to raise a daughter suitable enough to marry a Leinster Rugby Academy player! Especially when she now mentions the words ‘Da Jaesus I’d love a spice bag and a coke right now for me dinner‘!”

However the North-Sider representative, ‘Joey’ made some strong arguments against the wall.

“As a member of the Ballyscrambler community, I believe that we have the basic right to freely pass through our own country. The sheer cost of a wall will impact the tax payer heavily and I believe tha-”

“Shut your gob right there you obsolute peasant!” Shouted one Saoirse Fitzyalike.

Carnage ensued with many other ministers joining in, berating the now defeated Joey.

They chanted, “Go bock to the chipper! Go bock to the chipper!”

Dáil Supreme Commander; a level headed but very dry man, Avon Stephens settled everyone down. His face expressionless.

“Stop with that highly offensive chant this instant! Don’t make fun of their natural habitat!”

However the abuse continued.

” You can’t stop us from building that wall!” shouted the Minister for Organic Avocados and Whole Brown Bread.

” The South-Sider alliance shall stand tall, bound together behind a 10 foot wall!” shouted the Minister for Giving South-Side Children Pretentious First Names.

A few moments passed and the South-Sider Dáil calmed down after their rant. The women adjusted their hair, the men re-shone their shoes and the giraffes in the last row stormed out and returned to Dublin zoo.

Suddenly as a last resort, Joey un holstered his 0 blade head shaver and proceeded to attack Sinead O’Dwyer’s head.

“Omer-god my luscious blonde hair!”

Joey than chugged a 2L bottle of coke original and knocked several Ministers out with a colossal burp.

Joey was quickly apprehended by the Dáil’s private guards.

Ex ‘Rock rugby players, Corporal Second-Row James Kelly and Rob ‘roid’ Cluskey.

When things had calmed down once more, an idea was raised that there must be a vote.

Dáil Supreme Commander Avon Stephens exclaimed, “anyone in favour of keeping defective genes out of our pure blooded South-Side society please raise your hand”.

No one raised their hand. There were many confused faces.

Dáil Supreme Commander Avon Stephens corrected himself, ” Ya like lads and girlos like raise your hand if you like want to keep North-Siders out of our like obsolutely stunning South-Side lands.”

All the hands shot up, except of course Joey, who by now was being used as a tackle bag by James and Rob.

Mr Stephens had finished the afternoon with the comment, “and the North-Siders shall pay for this wall”.