New emerging species ‘Electricus Scooterus’ discovered in Dublin suburb.

READ: New species emerges in the Dublin suburbs. Is it dangerous or tame? Is it even capable of following the basic rules-of-the-road?

Set the scene:

It’s a Thursday mid-rush hour commute home in Ranelagh . The rush-hour animals have come out of their 9-5 hibernation. The mighty Dublin Bus Buffalo rushes to the next watering hole to pick up a herd of commuters.

The Oversized Mummy Jeep Jaguar attempts a daring but calculated parallel park on the busy streets, aided by mother nature’s car sensors and rear view cameras. The herd of motor-bikers weave through the D6 undergrowth.

An IDC nature watch team sits on a street corner of one of the most unforgiving commuter habitats of Dublin’s suburbs. It’s an average day for the team, with only a few sightings of a ‘Mopedicus Minimusand the occasional Spanish Student Busicus (migrates into local habitats yearly).

David, (Chief of Dublin IDC Nature Watch) reports; “On the horizon of the Ranelagh Savanna came rather majestically an unknown species, a type we’ve never seen before. Some sort of electrically powered vehicle, in the thousands came over the crest of the Main Street.”

A sample from a deceased ‘Electricus Scooterus’ concluded it is a genetic strain originating from a nearby I.T firm. Ridden solely by suicidal helmet-wearing creatures who have no regard for the rules of the vast Savanna road.

David comments on an Electricus Scooterus displaying its dominance over the other animals, “the alpha male, while perched upon this device is immediately above the law. We saw one such creature run a red light, swerve out behind a Dublin Bus Buffalo and cross a full intersection with no right of way.”

Because this species is a new emergent, we have no roadside casualty data as of now however since their introduction into this ecosystem, the number of ‘Car Normalus Commuterus’ mental breakdowns has spiked. This is mainly attributed to the Electricus Scooterus’s lack of brain stem, pre-frontal cortex and spine, which causes the creature to make life-threatening and simply childish decisions on the road.

If you encounter an ‘Electricus Scooterus’ in the wild, do not approach. These animals don’t possess the wit or the mental capacity to communicate, even by hand signals. They seem to be more preoccupied by trying to make themselves and others a roadside statistic on a daily basis, from their apartment commute to their office, and back.

Hunting season is all year-round.

An interview with South-Side girls after Drake performance.

“Ya like the bus man couldn’t even split a fifty” ~ Sri-Lanka Byrne.

Drake is performing in the 3Arena in Dublin this week in front of many thousands of people. However, what are his fans like? I spoke to Sri-Lanka Byrne and Gigi Fitzroyal after Drake’s late-night performance on Thursday. The pair attend Loretto on the Bank.

Sri-Lanka started off by explaining to me about what she loves about Drake. “Omergod, first off, I’d like to mention that I love his self-written books…like the Bible for example. I thought ‘God’s plan’ was fontostic. I believe that Drake is a really deep power for all of us”.

It seems that the worshippers of Drake favour a uniform of green bicycle shorts. I never knew that there was such thing as ‘Tour de Drake’.

Gigi spoke up, The journey in to the 3Arena was obsolutely so poor like. She continued, First of all, after leaving Sri-Lanka’s house and on the way into the concert, the ‘Rover breaks down. . . Like what else would you expect from an old 2016 model?Sri-Lanka interrupts, Shut your gob Gigi! You know full well that the families’ main car is getting a new body job!

Gigi calms the situation. Stop it Sri, I know you’re angry right now. Don’t let the fact that you didn’t manage to get with a Leinster Academy rugger player last week ruin our night“. Sri Lanka butts in, ” Omergod there you go again Gigi! Shut up like, it’s only development squad!

Alright let’s leave this ok Sri ?, said Gigi.

The pair than went on to explain that they had further transport issues getting into the concert as Sri’s mother was “Focking smashed after having too many G and T’s while hosting a Loretto on the Bank mother’s night at their home in Donnygosh. Both Gigi and Sri-Lanka were forced to take public transport.

I said, so how was the bus ride into the concert?“. The mood changed. Both girls at the same time put down their drinks. Gigi stares into the distance of the Dublin night. They hold hands to comfort each other.

While fighting back the tears, Sri Lanka exclaims, with a single word how their bus journey was. “Commoners”. Gigi, while still staring into the distance whispers under her breath, the bus man couldn’t even split a fifty.

At this point I felt deeply sorry for the girls. Ya, I’ve never seen so many commoners, knackers, foreign people and people with weird ring tones in a single space in my life“, said Gigi, as she downed her second Boojum burrito.

Sri-Lanka finished this emotional interview. That was deffo the only time in my life when I wished I had bought a hazmat suit off Topshop.”

The girls made it safely to the concert after their treacherous journey. I’m appalled by the lack of services for these girls.

  • Sri-Lanka’s mother has since gone to rehab to fight her Gin and Tonic addiction.
  • Gigi Fitzroyal is now in counseling to help recover from her PTSD (Public Transport Southsider Disorder).
  • Sri-Lanka Byrne has since gotten pregnant with Leinster Academy rugger player and former Blackrock captain, Rob ‘Roids’ Cluskey.

South Side girl Sri-Lanka Byrne discovered clinging to a bottle of Baileys in her Mini Cooper.

With her friends nowhere to be seen, MasterCard dangerously low and with Sri-Lanka’s fear of commoners walking within meters of the car… It would be a long and dangerous night.

News just in: South side student found crying in Mini Cooper.

Sri-Lanka Byrne, 18 from Loretto on the Bank was found crying in her car just hours after being out in town with friends.

Sri-Lanka had supposedly posted a photo on the social media platform, Instagram. A few hours later she was discovered clinging to a bottle of Baileys in her Mini Cooper.

Sri-Lanka had not reached her 2 million minimum ‘like’ threshold and as a result of pure sadness and a feeling of an ending to her life, had nearly fallen into a deep socially induced coma.

These were the events that unfolded…

  • It was nearly 10pm South Side time.

With her friends nowhere to be seen, MasterCard dangerously low and with dangerous commoners walking within mere meters of the car… It would be a long and dangerous night.

We managed to find Sri-Lanka’s number through her school’s directory.

She gave us an account of what happened over the phone.

Sri-Lanka: “I don’t know where it went wrong like. I was out on the lash with the girlies and got some super-duper cute photos. I was wearing an adorable outfit that I got on sale from BOOHOO.”

She continued…

“It was obsolutely perfect; the lighting, the angles, the time of posting. I’m getting daddy to sue Instagram for me. I only got 1.6 million likes and 20,000 comments”.

Oi actually think that it’s a sheer lack of appreciation of how amazing I am actually, actually like.”

Sri-Lanka only had mere hours to live.

Luckily, an emergency beacon was picked up by Loretto on the Bank’s Central Emergency Mummy Control Centre, which is located in the school, right next to the school’s private Snobby Pear café.

Fun fact: The private Snobby Pear café in the school lobby is made of 100% recycled iPhone X’s.

Sri-Lanka was discovered by Loretto on the Bank’s emergency Land Rover Discovery Unit, where she was resuscitated and than driven back to her home, in Donnygosh.

Sri-Lanka:“Yea I actually cannot thank the rescuers enough like. I couldn’t find the emergency alert button in the car, mainly because it was obsolutely covered in cash.”

Rescue vehicle para-ya-medic, Eve Fitzyaa told us…

“I was hosting a drinks night for the ladies of Loretto on the Bank in my four-story monsion in Foxbrook when the alarm sounded. It was surreal actually that an emergency like this was taking place… because usually the girls manage to go home with a Leinster Academy rugby player”.

“Anyways the ladies got suited up, I fired up the ‘Rover and off we went…”

“Upon our obsolutely tragic discovery, Sri-Lanka was down to her last 20ml of Baileys so we made sure to establish an IV drip as soon as possible.”

“We were all octually afraid for our lives. The amount of commoners walking around outside only made our jobs more difficult. Their obsolute commoner stench nearly forced us to abort the mission.”

“Because of the dark, differentiating commoners from us is very difficult, so we used our ‘Portable Botox’ pouches to reassure Sri-Lanka that we were there to save her from the lower-middle class zombies outside.”

After telling us of her and her teams’ heroic rescue, Eve Fitzyaa recounts the tragic loss of a former student at Loretto on the Bank…

“Last sommer we actually lost a student…ya…I know right? Her Instagram sadness to blood ratio was simply too high. Rest In Peace Libya, you were a fontastic person.”

  • Loretto on the Bank has now lowered the required instagram popularity threshold to only 1 million ‘likes’.
  • Sri-Lanka has since recovered and Eve Fitzyaa continues to heroically serve on the front lines every Saturday night…

That is, only if she isn’t obsolutely smashed after a few G and T’s herself.