Ireland’s 9 to 5 jobs, Article #2: An interview with a speed camera van technician.

Dermot Road: ” Of course I have. It was just yesterday that I clocked an out of order, erratic and public endangering driver at 60 kilometers per hour in a 100 zone!”
”I made sure the Gardaí took away their Toyota Yaris, pension and local bridge club membership”.

It all started when the I.D.C interviewing team was tearing up the N11 one Saturday morning, probably searching for their next insightful story.

A voice chirped up from what was the boot of our SUV.

It was in fact the farmer for whom we had promised a lift into Dublin. However the duct tape around his mouth made every word incomprehensible so we just gave him a Tractor magazine to read and he quietened down.

Don’t worry, he was quite comfortable.

We were planning to buy the farmer a pack of Tayto at the petrol station, however just before we went to grab a 2 for 1 deal we spotted a speed camera van perched on the side of the road.

We thought it’d be a good idea to stop and interview the technician inside. We had to see just who was lurking behind what is considered the most secretive and well paid job in Ireland.

It was nearly hitting lunch time. We walked 200m up the hard shoulder to the van.

After knocking on the window and introducing ourselves to a man eating a burger for his lunch, we asked if we could interview him, to which he gladly accepted because “this is the only human contact I’ve had in years”.

We hopped in the van and completely ignored the fact that there were six Irish Times reporters laying unconscious in a meat grinder next to a burger patty maker, and we started to ask our questions. . .

I.D.C Reporter: So tell us about yourself, what you do, how you got the job and give us an insight into the daily operations of a speed camera van technician.”

These were Dermot Road’s words.

Dermot Road: ” Well to start, it’s no scam. I truly believe that even if you’re within the speed limit that you should receive 3 penalty points, a €100 fine and a slap across the face by Leo Varadkar.”

” Anyways, my name’s Dermot Road, I’m a speed camera van technician and I absolutely love my job. I recently got my degree in ‘Hiding The Van Behind A Bridge So You Can’t See Me Until The Last Moment-onomics’.”

” We believe that this operation is a great way to needlessly fine the common commuter out of their hard earned money.”

I.D.C Reporter: ” Have you ever caught a reckless driver red handed?”

Dermot Road: ” Of course I have. It was just yesterday that I clocked an out of order, erratic and public endangering driver at 60 kilometers per hour in a 100 zone!”

“I made sure the Gardaí took away their Toyota Yaris, pension and local bridge club membership”.

SEE MORE LIKE THIS: Ireland’s 9 to 5 jobs, Article #1: Daily Routine of a Ryanair Check-in desk Manager.

” I got the job when an R.S.A (Road Safety Authority) scout approached me after noticing I’d cut the string on a child’s balloon, and deemed me so uncaring about people’s feelings that I should become a speed camera van technician.”

Van technician Dermot Road continues…

” I follow the RSA’s strict guidelines if I’m approached by an angry commuter”.

” I pepper spray ’em, cuff ’em and behead them with a samurai sword on the side of the motorway to show any drivers coming by that you can’t argue with the heavy hand of the law”.

// SPONSORED ADVERTISEMENT: RSA beheadings can be spectated on most dual carriage ways. Special bookings can be made at TheUltimatePenaltyForSpeeding website for families who love seeing lobbing off the heads of people who were a mere kilometer over the speed limit//

Dermot Road: ” I specialize in first holy communion events actually. Beware any speeding Priests.”

Dermot continues to serve on the frontlines and in the future hopes to write a deluxe Burger cook book, make some friends and to defect to Japan to attend a Samurai head chopping conference.

South Side girl Sri-Lanka Byrne discovered clinging to a bottle of Baileys in her Mini Cooper.

With her friends nowhere to be seen, MasterCard dangerously low and with Sri-Lanka’s fear of commoners walking within meters of the car… It would be a long and dangerous night.

News just in: South side student found crying in Mini Cooper.

Sri-Lanka Byrne, 18 from Loretto on the Bank was found crying in her car just hours after being out in town with friends.

Sri-Lanka had supposedly posted a photo on the social media platform, Instagram. A few hours later she was discovered clinging to a bottle of Baileys in her Mini Cooper.

Sri-Lanka had not reached her 2 million minimum ‘like’ threshold and as a result of pure sadness and a feeling of an ending to her life, had nearly fallen into a deep socially induced coma.

These were the events that unfolded…

  • It was nearly 10pm South Side time.

With her friends nowhere to be seen, MasterCard dangerously low and with dangerous commoners walking within mere meters of the car… It would be a long and dangerous night.

We managed to find Sri-Lanka’s number through her school’s directory.

She gave us an account of what happened over the phone.

Sri-Lanka: “I don’t know where it went wrong like. I was out on the lash with the girlies and got some super-duper cute photos. I was wearing an adorable outfit that I got on sale from BOOHOO.”

She continued…

“It was obsolutely perfect; the lighting, the angles, the time of posting. I’m getting daddy to sue Instagram for me. I only got 1.6 million likes and 20,000 comments”.

Oi actually think that it’s a sheer lack of appreciation of how amazing I am actually, actually like.”

Sri-Lanka only had mere hours to live.

Luckily, an emergency beacon was picked up by Loretto on the Bank’s Central Emergency Mummy Control Centre, which is located in the school, right next to the school’s private Snobby Pear café.

Fun fact: The private Snobby Pear café in the school lobby is made of 100% recycled iPhone X’s.

Sri-Lanka was discovered by Loretto on the Bank’s emergency Land Rover Discovery Unit, where she was resuscitated and than driven back to her home, in Donnygosh.

Sri-Lanka:“Yea I actually cannot thank the rescuers enough like. I couldn’t find the emergency alert button in the car, mainly because it was obsolutely covered in cash.”

Rescue vehicle para-ya-medic, Eve Fitzyaa told us…

“I was hosting a drinks night for the ladies of Loretto on the Bank in my four-story monsion in Foxbrook when the alarm sounded. It was surreal actually that an emergency like this was taking place… because usually the girls manage to go home with a Leinster Academy rugby player”.

“Anyways the ladies got suited up, I fired up the ‘Rover and off we went…”

“Upon our obsolutely tragic discovery, Sri-Lanka was down to her last 20ml of Baileys so we made sure to establish an IV drip as soon as possible.”

“We were all octually afraid for our lives. The amount of commoners walking around outside only made our jobs more difficult. Their obsolute commoner stench nearly forced us to abort the mission.”

“Because of the dark, differentiating commoners from us is very difficult, so we used our ‘Portable Botox’ pouches to reassure Sri-Lanka that we were there to save her from the lower-middle class zombies outside.”

After telling us of her and her teams’ heroic rescue, Eve Fitzyaa recounts the tragic loss of a former student at Loretto on the Bank…

“Last sommer we actually lost a student…ya…I know right? Her Instagram sadness to blood ratio was simply too high. Rest In Peace Libya, you were a fontastic person.”

  • Loretto on the Bank has now lowered the required instagram popularity threshold to only 1 million ‘likes’.
  • Sri-Lanka has since recovered and Eve Fitzyaa continues to heroically serve on the front lines every Saturday night…

That is, only if she isn’t obsolutely smashed after a few G and T’s herself.

Complaint #2: Designer brands and Inner City ‘gentlemen’.

We now see people walking around in designer jacket wear, acting as if they’re going on an expedition to the North Pole; when in fact the only expedition they’re having is to get another spice bag up in the local chipper and to get their cut from the local supplier.

Let’s start by saying that something has to be wrong with modern day consumerism when you realize that every second skinhead walking down Grafton Street happens to be wearing top brand designer clothing.

One of a multitude of possibilities has lead to the traditional grey trackie person (knacker) being able to purchase a brand new €600 winter jacket.

For any unimpressed members of public out there who would like me to use politically correct terminology; I’ll be sure to not offend you and use the term ‘members of a disadvantaged socio-economic class’.

I’ll also use the Latin term ‘addidasicus chipperae knackeridicus‘ if you like.

Let’s continue this brutally honest analysis. We now see people walking around in designer jacket wear, acting as if they’re going on an expedition to the North Pole; when in fact the only expedition they’re having is to get another spice bag up in the local chipper and to get their cut from the local supplier.

We spoke to ‘Joey’, a local dealer in the center of Dublin. Please note that ‘Joey’ identifies as a Brandsexual. That is, on Monday through Friday he wears his Louis, Gucci and Boss.

On Saturday with the lads he wears his Adidas originals. ‘Joey’ adds that the key day for defining his brand sexuality is when he’s at home on a Sunday with Mammy wearing his dinosaur onesie from Penny’s.

These were his words…

“Ah ye ya know like the gooser makes me feel like tha king. I may only be a little over 50kg but I sure can rock some Nikes and a designer jacket that I defo didn’t just steal from Brown Thomas last weekend.”

Something has to be wrong when the Canada Goose jacket to general public ratio is close to 1:2.

Reports have come in to I.D.C HQ that a herd of ‘addidasicus chipperae knackeridicus’ have stormed Brown Thomas and have taken every Moncler, Gucci and Goose jackets.

However maybe they’re just a herd of the modern day South side private school boys. Because now a days you can’t really spot the difference.

Top tips for any hard gang lads who are ‘looking to conquer tha world pal ye’ :

For extra effect, ask for a blade 1 buzz cut and equip only the shiniest of Nike airmax ‘fresshies’. Make sure to add a few grease streak marks here and there to further confirm the fact that you’re a leacher of the public health system.

If your feeling particularly like you want to mug someone, wear a fake Rolex watch.

It seems like the new calling card for selling drugs is no longer a pair of shoes dangling on a telephone line… Oh no…. it’s in fact a top quality jacket intended for people who don’t name their children Kelly, Shano or Danny spelled with an ‘i’.

Complaint #1: Spanish student found incapacitated and without a nose in Irish public toilet.

Set the scene…

You’re a Spanish student from, well Spain. As you shout to your friends in the loudest possible volume known to man you realize you need to do your business. Maybe there’s a public toilet nearby? Let’s hope so Alonso.

As you go to inform your amigos of the situation, thing’s are only getting worse down south.

Out of the corner of your eye, you spot an ugly, shiny looking thing. It looks like a prefab version of ‘Doctor Who’s’ TARDIS. You approach with the utmost caution.

You like Ireland so far. In fact, before you needed to hit the head you were on your way to a famous pub of sorts. You ask yourself, ” Es copper face-Jax ?

Image result for irish public toiletsBy now you are about 100m out from your designated target. You see a disorientated toddler stumble out of the box with the mother by their side. You begin to wonder why their noses have fallen off. You begin to wonder why their faces resemble the face of a hardened Vietnam war veteran. A corroded wheel from a stroller lays on the path to the door.

You pass multiple warning signs, multiple checkpoints, and even a man clad in a hazmat. It looks like Chernobyl.

You see that you have to pay. You pull out enough coinage for ten minutes. You sign the disclaimer form attached to the door and prepay the ambulance ride to the hospital. While you’re at it, you book a nose reconstruction at a top clinic.

Suddenly the military grade steel door slides open. Inside you notice the interior looks like it was designed by an anti-christ version of Dermot Bannon. It looks like a solitary confinement cell.

A mere 20 seconds in, you become nauseous, your nose turns green and your lungs are screaming for air that doesn’t contain  85% prehistoric urine fumes. The door locks. . . you’re hoping that it’s just a set-up. You wish you’d bought a bottle of Febreeze.

You black out. The next day another brave soul discovers your body on the floor.

Conclusion: Those things absolutely stink.

 

Ireland’s 9 to 5 jobs, Article #1: Daily Routine of a Ryanair Check-in desk Manager.

Here at Irish Daily Complainer, we like to really provide an inside story on daily issues and international topics. We aim to create impactful, insightful and perspective changing news (which definitely is serious).

This series aims to give a review and in-depth story into the lives of Ireland’s functioning members of society. We take a considerable amount of time to analyze and create meaningful posts for our readers.

So, prepare your self for ‘Article #1′. This post contains some pretty scary lookin’ images; so if your at all squeamish at the sight of the typical Ryanair check in desk worker, please leave this page immediately, and retreat to the nearest safe space ( Aer Lingus checkin desk).

  • This is the daily routine of Deirdre ‘ pink highlights ‘ O’Reilly.
WARNING: Specimen is found in 99% of European airports. Approach with caution.

We interviewed Ms. O’Reilly on her lunch break at Dublin Airport.

This was her compelling story. She gave us an exclusive look into the daily routine of a Ryanair Check-in desk manager.

For necessary safety precautions we placed a muzzle on Ms. O’Reilly just incase she decided to attack us. This was unknown territory, so we also hired a private security bodyguard and had the armed guardaí unit on standby. The nation held its breath.

“First of all I’d like to point out that if you at all make any comments about my 16 layers of fake tan, I’ll get my union onto yous”.

It was clear that Ms. O’Reilly meant business. Please note she only agreed to go ahead with the interview if we supplied herself and her colleagues with “our daily essentials”, which included a years supply of SuperBitch™ hairspray. Also

  • ChunkyMonkey SuperUltra™ eyebrow stick on strips.
  • ‘Sorry it’s too heavy’ perfume
  • Nunchucks for the girlies
  • A few bags of tayto.

Daily routine: 6am – 12am

Deirdre: “Yeah so I get up out of my bed and I wash my face. I than look to apply my resting b*itch face and I have a bowl of Shredded Dreams™”.

I.D.C Reporter: “Well, what next is on the daily routine for Deirdre?”

Deirdre: ” I apply my XXL Super-Chunky-Clunky-Monkeys™ eyeliner. I Put on my clothes and leave for work. When I arrive to my check-in desk, I take out my essentials for the day ahead and place them upon my desk”.

“I make sure to gather my nun-chucks,pepper spray and usually aim to read a chapter of ’20 ways to tactically takedown innocent passengers’ before our first unsuspecting family comes to the desk”.

“I than use the first 30 mins or so to sharpen up on my unnecessary arguing skills. By now it’s about 10:30 am. I’ve really gotten into the groove of things by this time of the day and I’ve nearly hit my daily recommended quota for ‘number of incapacitated customers’. This is why I do my job. I love every moment of it. Whether it’s letting someone know they’re 10 grams overweight on their baggage or that their flight will be delayed, it gives me amazing satisfaction”.

“Before lunch I make sure to get a qualified airport baggage engineer to rig my weighing scales to read an extra 1kg overweight. Because who doesn’t love seeing people rip out heavy towels from their luggage?”

Lunch time: 12am/ whenever the last passenger has been passively aggressively dealt with.

I.D.C Reporter: ” This has been an absolutely eye opening and fascinating interview so far; tell us more Ms O’Reilly”.

Deirdre: “Um, well, I mean, if I get the munchies for lunchies I’ll nip upstairs to the nearest fast food joint and down 2 or 3 chicken subs. If I’m feeling really in the flow of my job and I feel I’ve fulfilled my potential for the day so far, I’ll grab an edition of ‘Angry Baggage Weekly'”.

She continued: “It’s because if I think a passenger is being rude I’ll throw their luggage into my incinerator, which is located under my desk. I got it in Argos for the price of dirt. The magazine contains good articles on technique for my back.

Well, that’s what 20 years of heavy luggage lifting does to your health.”

1pm/when last sandwich has been downed.

“I mean, I just continue to do my job until 4pm. That’s it. The normal procedure.

Dreams to destroy, places to go, people to see under a pleasurable amount of stress”.

4pm-6pm.

I.D.C Reporter:” So after work has finished, do you have any leisure time with your ‘girlies’ “?

Deirdre: “Is that even a question? I mean yeah, we have our beauty sessions everyday. Saunas, tanning sessions, manicures, pedicures. Sometimes we shower. However we aim to be as repulsive as possible toward our customers in some aspects. It’s almost a cult here”.

“I usually get an extra layer of tan done, and deliberately miss spots I know others will notice. For the nails, it has to be yellow and blue, because how else do you support the cause”?

“After my day has finished, I will return home and prep for my next day. I usually stare at myself in the mirror, wear red contact lenses and chant my warrior mantras. One of which being ‘can you please produce a passport, boarding card, luggage and a reason to live’, which I say over and over again. I look to be the best in my field of expertise”.

” When I go to sleep I play Bob Marleys ‘no passenger no fly’ on my phone, to help me get some sleep”.

* Disclaimer: purely satirical article.

Comedy Gold: Crucial rules for surviving this year’s Christmas family gathering.

*5 minutes of reading bliss*

It’s that time of year again; snow all around, Christmas carols ringing throughout the cold nights, wonderful food being shared around wonderful friends and family and the unmistakeable feeling that yet another unfulfilled New Years resolution is lurking around the corner…because your not actually going to go your local gym, are you?

“I’m going to be more positive, more social and take up a South Nepalian interspiritual zen yoga routine”. ~Saoirse mcTrendy.

Yeah right Saoirse, we all know you’ll be a revolutionary millennial for about 2 weeks, than you’ll regress to binge watching ‘Gossip Girl’ for the 5th time while ripping through a 6pack of Jaffa cakes.

  • Anyway, enough of the inevitable disappointment that will consume us after the New Year’s rush, let’s have a look at the main event of this period. That is, Christmas Day. This is the one day in the year where it’s socially acceptable to shamelessly gorge and gain 6kg of pure turkey stuffing.
  • This is when you can catch up with loved ones, share gifts and make cherished memories. Heart warming isn’t it?However, the inventors of Christmas deliberately inbuilt into the occasion a mechanism that also has the potential to cause mass awkwardness, feelings of uncomfortableness and unnecessary political discussions.

Mandatory Christmas Survival Checklist.

1. Do not be the last to arrive to your family gathering: This will result in many unwanted situations, trust us. For one, arriving last means when you arrive you become the center of attention. In this dangerous situation, be prepared to greet people one-by-one in a line of awkward demise.

Imagine walking into the kitchen of your auntie’s house, only to walk into a wall of relatives, while wondering who your going to greet first. It’s hellish.

  • It’s an inbuilt social phenomenon that your absolutely f*ucked the moment you have to make deliberate eye contact with members of family, while wearing a fake smile more fake than the fakest fake of fake American housewifes. At least they have the backup of facial Botox.
  • 2. Handling ‘the distant relative’ situation: we’ve all experienced it before… your thought process is a bit like this;
    • ‘oh look a fresh face, wait no that’s a relative, I have to say hello,but how?, sh*t their approaching me, is it Dave or Daniel, is it a man or a woman, f*ck, smile you idiot, make eye contact, put away your phone, prepare, brace for impact, breath….
    • “Ohhhh hiiiiiiiiiiiii” *shuffles feet, prepares for handshake, or is it a hug?, or is it a kiss?, stutters, stumbles, steps on their toes, engages in painful half hug cling.*
    • So avoid,avoid,avoid them completely. They’re happy to ignore you aswell.

    3. Awkward silences at the dinner table:

    Did you know it takes 5 seconds for a silence to become awkward? This ranks amongst the most highest mentally stressful and painful situations that can be experienced by a person; ranked right after getting kicked in the snéachta balls and burning your Brennan’s on a Saturday morning.

    • Don’t just butt in with “terrible weather we’re having at the moment” or “these roast potatoes are delish”. Instead, tactically stare at your food and to make it seem like your doing something, take a sip of your drink, look out the window or just light a candle and pray that another person is going to say something.
    • If all else fails, start a thought provoking conversation….for example “I think king is better than tayto”, or “I think Ireland should leave the EU” or “I think vegans won’t stop me eating rashers with my ballymalloe relish on a Sunday morning”
    • (maybe not the last one because you’ll be lynched by an angry mob of mutated vegetables).

    -For any chefs reading this, please note that the meat to vegetable ratio should be ‘3:1’.

    -For vegetarians it’s ‘quinoa burger: 1’

    • If a political discussion arises during your festive meal, than grab a pair of binoculars and watch in comfort as two un contempt members of the family shout it down between each other from opposite ends of the table. For full enjoyment, write ‘Sir David Attenborough’ on a napkin and prop it up against a glass.

    4: Present and gifts time:

    You’ve made it through all of this? Janey Mack, Jaeckers, Would you look at that.

    If it’s accidentally opening the toilet door when your uncle is using the jax or that your little paper Christmas hat has ripped :(, you’ve done well to survive. You’re not out of the woods yet, in fact, you’re entering one of the worst parts.

    Let’s set the scene: The family is sitting around the fire, the air is filled with expectation and anxious anticipation. You receive a nicely wrapped box, you shake it and have a little laugh (yeah your great aren’t you? You little comedian).

    Anyway, you open the wrapping paper, eyes wide, the world is looking intently at your reaction.

    28 year old Janet O’no It’s Another Hair Straightener told I.D.C….

    “Another babybliss hair straightener? I had 20 people looking at me, what could I do? I than remembered reading the Irish Daily Complainer and followed their steps to handle the situation. The next week I went to Tkmaxx and bought a cheeky Zara winter jacket. #smuggg”

    • If you’ve received a present that you already have, look absolutely ecstatic. Say things like “yess this is exactly what I wanted”
  • Chief Christmas psychologist Dr Matthew Thornton has told I.D.C HQ that this is the best way to deal with a present you already have.
  • “If you do receive a gift that you already have, make absolutely sure to say ‘Omer gawd it’s fantastic thannnnnks’ in as high a pitch as possible. To really sell it to the ignorant gift giver, deliberately read the card aloud to make it look as if you’re more grateful. To add the halo on your head, grab your shovel and dig as deep a hole as possible as to why your happy to receive the present”.

  • *make sure you have the receipt.

    *Repeat step 2 when leaving the gathering.

    MERRY CHRISTMAS, you’ve been amazing readers. Keep up with the support! 🙂

    Seriously Funny Story: Nuns steal $500k, lash out on Las Vegas Casinos, or did they?

    ” …this is definitely the first church controversy ever”

    • It was recently discovered that a pair of nuns stole $500k from a local Christian institution. Seems ridiculous right? Read on…
    • I mean, just how can two opposites, which are just as far away from each other in similarity as Devin Toner and Michael D. Higgins come together to bring us this hilarious and ironic story?
      • We can make a sure and sound start by saying that this is

    definitely the first church controversy ever.

      • The two nuns supposedly thought they’d “stumbled into a 21st century, millennial style church collection ceremony”. HQ at our I.D.C has confirmed at present that this statement made by the nuns is absolutely true, and anyone who believes in these claims is ignorant,

    ageist, racist, nun-ist and unsuspecting-old-woman-ist.

    • The Pope himself has written into I.D.C HQ to state that he backs up the claims of the sisters and that while he was fundraising for a legitimate cause, he too had ‘accidentally had a gaff in the Vatican’.
    • Sister Jones answered one of our many questions while being detained in the sheriff’s questioning room.

    “We arrived in Las Vegas on a missionary trip to spread the good work and love of the lord. Las Vegas is a great place to worship and connect with the large religious community here. We’ve been here before to attend many services held by all priests in all the local churches.”

    Contrary to belief, the place doesn’t even supply top brand Russian vodk—-……. I mean whole grain communion.”

    • Our reporters and crew had to evacuate the interviewing room at the local police station after sister Mary ‘Praise-the-lord’ Jones became aggravated at our questions and suddenly produced a 12 inch machete made out of a carved cross and a bottle of blessed port while threatening to “wine-board” us.
    • Sister Jones was apprehended. We did not press charges.

    • It all makes sense however; large archways of beautiful buildings, lit up in amazing lights, with large congregations of god-loving-charity giving individuals playing games, while also giving to charitable causes.
    • There’s simply no way possible that the nuns gambled it all away deliberately. To them, this was “an opportunity to connect with the younger generation while carrying out good Christian duties”.
    • As sister Sineád Mcgrath O’Connaire Murphy Rourke Mckillicuddy O’Brien-Shea of Ballynahinch-Ragart-Killmac-On-Shannon Holy Catholic Church told one reporter.
    • “I back up the claims of the American sisters. They should be forgiven. I too made the mistake of stumbling into and spending my entire congregations’ funds on entertainment. It’s happened before.”

    • It was later confirmed that the nuns made a clearly genuine mistake and that they should have gone to Nun-Savers™