The South-Side Dáil has voted for a wall to be constructed in Dublin to keep North-Siders out.

“The South-Side alliance shall stand tall, bound together behind a 10 foot wall!”. Read the controversial proposal.

A controversial motion was put forward in the South Side Dáil last weekend:

‘Build a wall to keep North-Siders out of South Dublin and her surrounding areas’

Things were getting very heated. Especially between a particular few South-Sider ministers and a representative from Ballyscrambler, North-Side Dublin.

“We need to keep the North-Siders out! They’re plaguing the streets with Honda Civics and they’re bringing our image down!” argued Minister for Jaguar X-type production, India Fitzroyal.

The other ministers murmured between themselves. Suddenly a voice chirped up from row number 6.

“I agree” states Minister for Valle de Lobo condos, Jonathan Fitzomer. “Lily May was taking a bath last night while a group of fowl mouthed girls wandered around outside on our street. The window was open and she could hear every word! She’s now lost her pure blooded South-Side accent!”

The South-Side Dáil gasps with astonishment. Áine Byrne, a former Southernese language trainer in row number 3 faints.

“I can’t have a convo with her nowadays without Lily May mentioning terrible North-Sider things”.

“Just how am I supposed to raise a daughter suitable enough to marry a Leinster Rugby Academy player! Especially when she now mentions the words ‘Da Jaesus I’d love a spice bag and a coke right now for me dinner‘!”

However the North-Sider representative, ‘Joey’ made some strong arguments against the wall.

“As a member of the Ballyscrambler community, I believe that we have the basic right to freely pass through our own country. The sheer cost of a wall will impact the tax payer heavily and I believe tha-”

“Shut your gob right there you obsolute peasant!” Shouted one Saoirse Fitzyalike.

Carnage ensued with many other ministers joining in, berating the now defeated Joey.

They chanted, “Go bock to the chipper! Go bock to the chipper!”

Dáil Supreme Commander; a level headed but very dry man, Avon Stephens settled everyone down. His face expressionless.

“Stop with that highly offensive chant this instant! Don’t make fun of their natural habitat!”

However the abuse continued.

” You can’t stop us from building that wall!” shouted the Minister for Organic Avocados and Whole Brown Bread.

” The South-Sider alliance shall stand tall, bound together behind a 10 foot wall!” shouted the Minister for Giving South-Side Children Pretentious First Names.

A few moments passed and the South-Sider Dáil calmed down after their rant. The women adjusted their hair, the men re-shone their shoes and the giraffes in the last row stormed out and returned to Dublin zoo.

Suddenly as a last resort, Joey un holstered his 0 blade head shaver and proceeded to attack Sinead O’Dwyer’s head.

“Omer-god my luscious blonde hair!”

Joey than chugged a 2L bottle of coke original and knocked several Ministers out with a colossal burp.

Joey was quickly apprehended by the Dáil’s private guards.

Ex ‘Rock rugby players, Corporal Second-Row James Kelly and Rob ‘roid’ Cluskey.

When things had calmed down once more, an idea was raised that there must be a vote.

Dáil Supreme Commander Avon Stephens exclaimed, “anyone in favour of keeping defective genes out of our pure blooded South-Side society please raise your hand”.

No one raised their hand. There were many confused faces.

Dáil Supreme Commander Avon Stephens corrected himself, ” Ya like lads and girlos like raise your hand if you like want to keep North-Siders out of our like obsolutely stunning South-Side lands.”

All the hands shot up, except of course Joey, who by now was being used as a tackle bag by James and Rob.

Mr Stephens had finished the afternoon with the comment, “and the North-Siders shall pay for this wall”.

An interview with South-Side girls after Drake performance.

“Ya like the bus man couldn’t even split a fifty” ~ Sri-Lanka Byrne.

Drake is performing in the 3Arena in Dublin this week in front of many thousands of people. However, what are his fans like? I spoke to Sri-Lanka Byrne and Gigi Fitzroyal after Drake’s late-night performance on Thursday. The pair attend Loretto on the Bank.

Sri-Lanka started off by explaining to me about what she loves about Drake. “Omergod, first off, I’d like to mention that I love his self-written books…like the Bible for example. I thought ‘God’s plan’ was fontostic. I believe that Drake is a really deep power for all of us”.

It seems that the worshippers of Drake favour a uniform of green bicycle shorts. I never knew that there was such thing as ‘Tour de Drake’.

Gigi spoke up, The journey in to the 3Arena was obsolutely so poor like. She continued, First of all, after leaving Sri-Lanka’s house and on the way into the concert, the ‘Rover breaks down. . . Like what else would you expect from an old 2016 model?Sri-Lanka interrupts, Shut your gob Gigi! You know full well that the families’ main car is getting a new body job!

Gigi calms the situation. Stop it Sri, I know you’re angry right now. Don’t let the fact that you didn’t manage to get with a Leinster Academy rugger player last week ruin our night“. Sri Lanka butts in, ” Omergod there you go again Gigi! Shut up like, it’s only development squad!

Alright let’s leave this ok Sri ?, said Gigi.

The pair than went on to explain that they had further transport issues getting into the concert as Sri’s mother was “Focking smashed after having too many G and T’s while hosting a Loretto on the Bank mother’s night at their home in Donnygosh. Both Gigi and Sri-Lanka were forced to take public transport.

I said, so how was the bus ride into the concert?“. The mood changed. Both girls at the same time put down their drinks. Gigi stares into the distance of the Dublin night. They hold hands to comfort each other.

While fighting back the tears, Sri Lanka exclaims, with a single word how their bus journey was. “Commoners”. Gigi, while still staring into the distance whispers under her breath, the bus man couldn’t even split a fifty.

At this point I felt deeply sorry for the girls. Ya, I’ve never seen so many commoners, knackers, foreign people and people with weird ring tones in a single space in my life“, said Gigi, as she downed her second Boojum burrito.

Sri-Lanka finished this emotional interview. That was deffo the only time in my life when I wished I had bought a hazmat suit off Topshop.”

The girls made it safely to the concert after their treacherous journey. I’m appalled by the lack of services for these girls.

  • Sri-Lanka’s mother has since gone to rehab to fight her Gin and Tonic addiction.
  • Gigi Fitzroyal is now in counseling to help recover from her PTSD (Public Transport Southsider Disorder).
  • Sri-Lanka Byrne has since gotten pregnant with Leinster Academy rugger player and former Blackrock captain, Rob ‘Roids’ Cluskey.

People with little dogs need to stay in their lane.

Little dogs are the single most annoying specimens on Earth

Do you have a little dog?

If so, this article is for you; mainly because you need to wake up and go out and buy a proper dog. . .

How do you spot a small dog walker? They have these little retractable leashes that are really meant for your average hyperactive child.

I was walking my far more superior German Shepherd dog, Destroyer around outside in the local dog park. From the corner of the park came a pathetic pack of Shih Tzus. Little yokes started barking their little heads off. “Destroyer eats those things for breakfast”, I said to myself.

It’s a well known fact that Toy-dog owners train their dogs to do simply nothing but annoy the hell out of actual dogs.

The owner of these head-wreckers was visibly enjoying the little show they’d put on. Another large dog walker on the other side of the park nodded at me, acknowledging my dire situation. He took out his mobile phone to record the colossal fight that would go down between my dog and those little rodents.

More large dogs and their owners came to help incase this feud got out of hand. It was little dogs vs big dogs. A Korean large dog owner licks his lips as he anticipated the demise of these little creatures. I knew we could win.

The park was filled with an eerie tension; large dog owners had cleavers at the ready, small dog owners armed with their plastic-retractable leashes and tiny poo bags to suffocate any and all enemies. . .

The small dogs attacked first, but of course they didn’t do anything except yap like pregnant seagulls. Myself and all the large dog owners chuckle to ourselves. The small dog owners were already looking defeated.

No words were spoken in these moments as it was at this point that everyone realized that a large legal case would ensue over the mass slaughter of nearly 60 ‘precious’, yappy, irritating and simply insufficient little dogs. They backed off.

People need to buy proper dogs. Simply wake up people!

These Girls Are Desperate For Fake Tan

This much needed rant is in response to a fake tan robbery statistic released by the Irish Pharmacy Union.

A bit of tan here and there is grand. . . just you know, don’t suffocate yourself.

A real statistic released by the Irish Pharmacy Union (IPU) says that fake tan is the most stolen item in country-wide pharmacies. 50% of all pharmacy robberies to be exact.

Yeah.

But hey, these girls have several good reason to steal a 750ml of L’Oreal. Don’t they?

Girls these days are so desperate to be the next Oompa Loompa employee of the month in their chocolate factory. Willy Wonka clearly doesn’t need any health and safety measures because his workers are already caked in seven layers of fluorescent, high vis tan.

Approach with extreme caution

Many girls now a-days are needlessly spending their hard earned cash on looking like a tangerine. In fact, just last week I saw a ‘tangerine’ girl walk out of Abra Kebabra and getting thrown into the back of an orange truck. I desperately tried to rescue her but my attempts were simply fruitless.

Girls (and some guys) would be safer to accept the fact that us Celts simply have pasty, white skin.

I went up to a girl at a bar who had what I call ‘Cheeto skin’ and I poured my drink over her. What a sight that was.

I spoke over the phone to ‘Star’, a 26 year-old Dublin girl, who, when needs fake tan, robs it from her local Boots Pharmacy. She’s one of my most hated neighbours. . . right behind the annoying woman up my road who doesn’t take her Christmas tree down until the 25th of March.

*some phone chatter later*

Star: ” Yeah so I get out of work at 6pm, let’s say on a Friday. I drive down to Boots to nick me some absolutely beautiful St. Tropez natural tan. Does the trick most of the time. I call the girls up and go out on the lash in town.”

A had to call her out on her actions.

Me: ” Are you aware that you’re abusing the Geneva Convention by luring men into horrible and inhumane traps? An example of which, being your face?”

Star: ” What a horrible thing to say!. . . That’s not true. I only apply seventeen layers of tan. Get off the line!”

I had to finish the call with an important point of information. . .

Me: ” Literally every self-respecting man on a night out can clearly see you’ve lured many poor souls into your terrible traps. By the way, the armed guards are on their way to arrest your horrible soul for false advertising of your face.”

Please know that I have already written to Leo Varadkar to start a nation-wide government crack down on any girls who wear more than 3 layers of tan.

I also want the government to arrest any individuals on the spot who’s named ‘Danni‘.

Burnt Bagels And The Irish Economy.

Now this is the reason our economy isn’t doing as well as it should. Innocent Irish citizens every morning are being screwed over by burning their bagels!

I woke up this morning in my bunker and went to the kitchen to fix myself some breakfast.

Coffee…made. Eggs…poached.

Everything was going well. That is, until I ventured into the riskiest and most dangerous part of everyone’s morning routine; putting on the toast.

This morning I had a choice between bread or a bagel. I took the bagel option. Toaster on.

Well, I burnt the bagel to a crisp after about 30 seconds. How could I do this? I’ve never burnt anything before!

Now this is the reason our economy isn’t doing as well as it should. Innocent Irish citizens every morning are being screwed over by burning their bagels.

I mean, at least with regular bread, we can all calculate the relative time needed for the bread, taking into account various bread specific factors for that bread.

Note that this is a highly established science. This particular example proves Brennan’s second law of breado-dynamics.

Not with bagels. You see, bagels are deceiving to calculate time needed in the toaster because of their deceiving round shape, non existent center and the curve of the bagel circumference is more exposed to heat in the toaster.

This tragic and frequent morning disaster has lead to the creation of ‘Burnt Bagels Anonymous’, where anyone in an abusive relationship with bagels can openly communicate and share experiences with other victims of this phenomenon.

They give tips to each other on how to scrape off burnt parts of the bagel.

Victims of burnt bagels experience heightened levels of stress, anxiety and irritation in the workplace, which I believe negatively impacts our economy. 96% of bagel burners are late to work.

I spoke with a functioning bagelholic ‘Jane’ over telephone.

Jane: ” The first few times I tried a bagel, it was amazing. The texture, the unique shape, the sexy curves. Little did I know that a bagel is actually an unreliable source of nutrition for the early morning rush “.

She continued…

Jane: ” My world came crumbling down when one day I burnt one of the bagels. I’m now addicted to not burning my bagel in the morning, which means going through 6 packs of bagels. I’m usually late to work by 9 hours.”

Listening to this lights a certain fire in my soul. What tragedy! What misery!

I thought this was a first world country. In my opinion this is an utter disgrace.

Comedy Gold: Crucial rules for surviving this year’s Christmas family gathering.

*5 minutes of reading bliss*

It’s that time of year again; snow all around, Christmas carols ringing throughout the cold nights, wonderful food being shared around wonderful friends and family and the unmistakeable feeling that yet another unfulfilled New Years resolution is lurking around the corner…because your not actually going to go your local gym, are you?

“I’m going to be more positive, more social and take up a South Nepalian interspiritual zen yoga routine”. ~Saoirse mcTrendy.

Yeah right Saoirse, we all know you’ll be a revolutionary millennial for about 2 weeks, than you’ll regress to binge watching ‘Gossip Girl’ for the 5th time while ripping through a 6pack of Jaffa cakes.

  • Anyway, enough of the inevitable disappointment that will consume us after the New Year’s rush, let’s have a look at the main event of this period. That is, Christmas Day. This is the one day in the year where it’s socially acceptable to shamelessly gorge and gain 6kg of pure turkey stuffing.
  • This is when you can catch up with loved ones, share gifts and make cherished memories. Heart warming isn’t it?However, the inventors of Christmas deliberately inbuilt into the occasion a mechanism that also has the potential to cause mass awkwardness, feelings of uncomfortableness and unnecessary political discussions.

Mandatory Christmas Survival Checklist.

1. Do not be the last to arrive to your family gathering: This will result in many unwanted situations, trust us. For one, arriving last means when you arrive you become the center of attention. In this dangerous situation, be prepared to greet people one-by-one in a line of awkward demise.

Imagine walking into the kitchen of your auntie’s house, only to walk into a wall of relatives, while wondering who your going to greet first. It’s hellish.

  • It’s an inbuilt social phenomenon that your absolutely f*ucked the moment you have to make deliberate eye contact with members of family, while wearing a fake smile more fake than the fakest fake of fake American housewifes. At least they have the backup of facial Botox.
  • 2. Handling ‘the distant relative’ situation: we’ve all experienced it before… your thought process is a bit like this;
    • ‘oh look a fresh face, wait no that’s a relative, I have to say hello,but how?, sh*t their approaching me, is it Dave or Daniel, is it a man or a woman, f*ck, smile you idiot, make eye contact, put away your phone, prepare, brace for impact, breath….
    • “Ohhhh hiiiiiiiiiiiii” *shuffles feet, prepares for handshake, or is it a hug?, or is it a kiss?, stutters, stumbles, steps on their toes, engages in painful half hug cling.*
    • So avoid,avoid,avoid them completely. They’re happy to ignore you aswell.

    3. Awkward silences at the dinner table:

    Did you know it takes 5 seconds for a silence to become awkward? This ranks amongst the most highest mentally stressful and painful situations that can be experienced by a person; ranked right after getting kicked in the snéachta balls and burning your Brennan’s on a Saturday morning.

    • Don’t just butt in with “terrible weather we’re having at the moment” or “these roast potatoes are delish”. Instead, tactically stare at your food and to make it seem like your doing something, take a sip of your drink, look out the window or just light a candle and pray that another person is going to say something.
    • If all else fails, start a thought provoking conversation….for example “I think king is better than tayto”, or “I think Ireland should leave the EU” or “I think vegans won’t stop me eating rashers with my ballymalloe relish on a Sunday morning”
    • (maybe not the last one because you’ll be lynched by an angry mob of mutated vegetables).

    -For any chefs reading this, please note that the meat to vegetable ratio should be ‘3:1’.

    -For vegetarians it’s ‘quinoa burger: 1’

    • If a political discussion arises during your festive meal, than grab a pair of binoculars and watch in comfort as two un contempt members of the family shout it down between each other from opposite ends of the table. For full enjoyment, write ‘Sir David Attenborough’ on a napkin and prop it up against a glass.

    4: Present and gifts time:

    You’ve made it through all of this? Janey Mack, Jaeckers, Would you look at that.

    If it’s accidentally opening the toilet door when your uncle is using the jax or that your little paper Christmas hat has ripped :(, you’ve done well to survive. You’re not out of the woods yet, in fact, you’re entering one of the worst parts.

    Let’s set the scene: The family is sitting around the fire, the air is filled with expectation and anxious anticipation. You receive a nicely wrapped box, you shake it and have a little laugh (yeah your great aren’t you? You little comedian).

    Anyway, you open the wrapping paper, eyes wide, the world is looking intently at your reaction.

    28 year old Janet O’no It’s Another Hair Straightener told I.D.C….

    “Another babybliss hair straightener? I had 20 people looking at me, what could I do? I than remembered reading the Irish Daily Complainer and followed their steps to handle the situation. The next week I went to Tkmaxx and bought a cheeky Zara winter jacket. #smuggg”

    • If you’ve received a present that you already have, look absolutely ecstatic. Say things like “yess this is exactly what I wanted”
  • Chief Christmas psychologist Dr Matthew Thornton has told I.D.C HQ that this is the best way to deal with a present you already have.
  • “If you do receive a gift that you already have, make absolutely sure to say ‘Omer gawd it’s fantastic thannnnnks’ in as high a pitch as possible. To really sell it to the ignorant gift giver, deliberately read the card aloud to make it look as if you’re more grateful. To add the halo on your head, grab your shovel and dig as deep a hole as possible as to why your happy to receive the present”.

  • *make sure you have the receipt.

    *Repeat step 2 when leaving the gathering.

    MERRY CHRISTMAS, you’ve been amazing readers. Keep up with the support! 🙂