Multiple garda units reported needing counseling after longitude festival.

Read this breathtaking report. Cultchies, Private Schools and the dreaded Orchard Theives attack by transition year students.

Multiple Garda units stationed to supervise and protect the public at this year’s ‘longitude’ festival have been admitted to intensive healthcare units after multiple traumatic experiences and sleep deprivation.

The constant onslaught from youngsters at the festival looking for photos has left 50 members of the country’s most hardened veteran guardaí fighting for their mental stability in Ireland’s most advanced mental hospitals.

Many eye-witnesses conclude that the photo attacks came mainly from culchies wearing their county jerseys and South Dublin private school girls. One brave garda said in a private statement, ” I was stationed there right outside the main crowd for the Versatile performance. It was posh private school kids for miles, probably just out of their junior cert, trying to sound like knackers while singing key verses to Versatile’s Dublin City G’s “.

For 3 whole days…Our country’s most advanced units had to put up with cup team rugby lads getting photos for the gram, drunk Loretto on the Bank girlos and the occasional overly-friendly Kerry lad wearing a John Deere cap and a pinstriped shirt.

Another garda, known only in his local Dublin station as ‘Franko’ was left stationed alone for 13 hours in the most dangerous and unforgiving zone in the festival…the dreaded ‘snapchat zone’. ‘Franko’ states, ” It was 6pm and a performance had finished ahead of me. In an instant, from a distance, I saw my partner ‘Mesho’ be swarmed by an army of lads wearing ‘guess’ jumpers”.

God bless the brave garda who was last seen drowning in a pool of sweat mercilessly released by the most dangerous subjects at this year’s Longitude festival… the bare-chested transition year student wielding a deadly cup of Orchard Thieves.






New emerging species ‘Electricus Scooterus’ discovered in Dublin suburb.

READ: New species emerges in the Dublin suburbs. Is it dangerous or tame? Is it even capable of following the basic rules-of-the-road?

Set the scene:

It’s a Thursday mid-rush hour commute home in Ranelagh . The rush-hour animals have come out of their 9-5 hibernation. The mighty Dublin Bus Buffalo rushes to the next watering hole to pick up a herd of commuters.

The Oversized Mummy Jeep Jaguar attempts a daring but calculated parallel park on the busy streets, aided by mother nature’s car sensors and rear view cameras. The herd of motor-bikers weave through the D6 undergrowth.

An IDC nature watch team sits on a street corner of one of the most unforgiving commuter habitats of Dublin’s suburbs. It’s an average day for the team, with only a few sightings of a ‘Mopedicus Minimusand the occasional Spanish Student Busicus (migrates into local habitats yearly).

David, (Chief of Dublin IDC Nature Watch) reports; “On the horizon of the Ranelagh Savanna came rather majestically an unknown species, a type we’ve never seen before. Some sort of electrically powered vehicle, in the thousands came over the crest of the Main Street.”

A sample from a deceased ‘Electricus Scooterus’ concluded it is a genetic strain originating from a nearby I.T firm. Ridden solely by suicidal helmet-wearing creatures who have no regard for the rules of the vast Savanna road.

David comments on an Electricus Scooterus displaying its dominance over the other animals, “the alpha male, while perched upon this device is immediately above the law. We saw one such creature run a red light, swerve out behind a Dublin Bus Buffalo and cross a full intersection with no right of way.”

Because this species is a new emergent, we have no roadside casualty data as of now however since their introduction into this ecosystem, the number of ‘Car Normalus Commuterus’ mental breakdowns has spiked. This is mainly attributed to the Electricus Scooterus’s lack of brain stem, pre-frontal cortex and spine, which causes the creature to make life-threatening and simply childish decisions on the road.

If you encounter an ‘Electricus Scooterus’ in the wild, do not approach. These animals don’t possess the wit or the mental capacity to communicate, even by hand signals. They seem to be more preoccupied by trying to make themselves and others a roadside statistic on a daily basis, from their apartment commute to their office, and back.

Hunting season is all year-round.

The South-Side Dáil has voted for a wall to be constructed in Dublin to keep North-Siders out.

“The South-Side alliance shall stand tall, bound together behind a 10 foot wall!”. Read the controversial proposal.

A controversial motion was put forward in the South Side Dáil last weekend:

‘Build a wall to keep North-Siders out of South Dublin and her surrounding areas’

Things were getting very heated. Especially between a particular few South-Sider ministers and a representative from Ballyscrambler, North-Side Dublin.

“We need to keep the North-Siders out! They’re plaguing the streets with Honda Civics and they’re bringing our image down!” argued Minister for Jaguar X-type production, India Fitzroyal.

The other ministers murmured between themselves. Suddenly a voice chirped up from row number 6.

“I agree” states Minister for Valle de Lobo condos, Jonathan Fitzomer. “Lily May was taking a bath last night while a group of fowl mouthed girls wandered around outside on our street. The window was open and she could hear every word! She’s now lost her pure blooded South-Side accent!”

The South-Side Dáil gasps with astonishment. Áine Byrne, a former Southernese language trainer in row number 3 faints.

“I can’t have a convo with her nowadays without Lily May mentioning terrible North-Sider things”.

“Just how am I supposed to raise a daughter suitable enough to marry a Leinster Rugby Academy player! Especially when she now mentions the words ‘Da Jaesus I’d love a spice bag and a coke right now for me dinner‘!”

However the North-Sider representative, ‘Joey’ made some strong arguments against the wall.

“As a member of the Ballyscrambler community, I believe that we have the basic right to freely pass through our own country. The sheer cost of a wall will impact the tax payer heavily and I believe tha-”

“Shut your gob right there you obsolute peasant!” Shouted one Saoirse Fitzyalike.

Carnage ensued with many other ministers joining in, berating the now defeated Joey.

They chanted, “Go bock to the chipper! Go bock to the chipper!”

Dáil Supreme Commander; a level headed but very dry man, Avon Stephens settled everyone down. His face expressionless.

“Stop with that highly offensive chant this instant! Don’t make fun of their natural habitat!”

However the abuse continued.

” You can’t stop us from building that wall!” shouted the Minister for Organic Avocados and Whole Brown Bread.

” The South-Sider alliance shall stand tall, bound together behind a 10 foot wall!” shouted the Minister for Giving South-Side Children Pretentious First Names.

A few moments passed and the South-Sider Dáil calmed down after their rant. The women adjusted their hair, the men re-shone their shoes and the giraffes in the last row stormed out and returned to Dublin zoo.

Suddenly as a last resort, Joey un holstered his 0 blade head shaver and proceeded to attack Sinead O’Dwyer’s head.

“Omer-god my luscious blonde hair!”

Joey than chugged a 2L bottle of coke original and knocked several Ministers out with a colossal burp.

Joey was quickly apprehended by the Dáil’s private guards.

Ex ‘Rock rugby players, Corporal Second-Row James Kelly and Rob ‘roid’ Cluskey.

When things had calmed down once more, an idea was raised that there must be a vote.

Dáil Supreme Commander Avon Stephens exclaimed, “anyone in favour of keeping defective genes out of our pure blooded South-Side society please raise your hand”.

No one raised their hand. There were many confused faces.

Dáil Supreme Commander Avon Stephens corrected himself, ” Ya like lads and girlos like raise your hand if you like want to keep North-Siders out of our like obsolutely stunning South-Side lands.”

All the hands shot up, except of course Joey, who by now was being used as a tackle bag by James and Rob.

Mr Stephens had finished the afternoon with the comment, “and the North-Siders shall pay for this wall”.

An interview with South-Side girls after Drake performance.

“Ya like the bus man couldn’t even split a fifty” ~ Sri-Lanka Byrne.

Drake is performing in the 3Arena in Dublin this week in front of many thousands of people. However, what are his fans like? I spoke to Sri-Lanka Byrne and Gigi Fitzroyal after Drake’s late-night performance on Thursday. The pair attend Loretto on the Bank.

Sri-Lanka started off by explaining to me about what she loves about Drake. “Omergod, first off, I’d like to mention that I love his self-written books…like the Bible for example. I thought ‘God’s plan’ was fontostic. I believe that Drake is a really deep power for all of us”.

It seems that the worshippers of Drake favour a uniform of green bicycle shorts. I never knew that there was such thing as ‘Tour de Drake’.

Gigi spoke up, The journey in to the 3Arena was obsolutely so poor like. She continued, First of all, after leaving Sri-Lanka’s house and on the way into the concert, the ‘Rover breaks down. . . Like what else would you expect from an old 2016 model?Sri-Lanka interrupts, Shut your gob Gigi! You know full well that the families’ main car is getting a new body job!

Gigi calms the situation. Stop it Sri, I know you’re angry right now. Don’t let the fact that you didn’t manage to get with a Leinster Academy rugger player last week ruin our night“. Sri Lanka butts in, ” Omergod there you go again Gigi! Shut up like, it’s only development squad!

Alright let’s leave this ok Sri ?, said Gigi.

The pair than went on to explain that they had further transport issues getting into the concert as Sri’s mother was “Focking smashed after having too many G and T’s while hosting a Loretto on the Bank mother’s night at their home in Donnygosh. Both Gigi and Sri-Lanka were forced to take public transport.

I said, so how was the bus ride into the concert?“. The mood changed. Both girls at the same time put down their drinks. Gigi stares into the distance of the Dublin night. They hold hands to comfort each other.

While fighting back the tears, Sri Lanka exclaims, with a single word how their bus journey was. “Commoners”. Gigi, while still staring into the distance whispers under her breath, the bus man couldn’t even split a fifty.

At this point I felt deeply sorry for the girls. Ya, I’ve never seen so many commoners, knackers, foreign people and people with weird ring tones in a single space in my life“, said Gigi, as she downed her second Boojum burrito.

Sri-Lanka finished this emotional interview. That was deffo the only time in my life when I wished I had bought a hazmat suit off Topshop.”

The girls made it safely to the concert after their treacherous journey. I’m appalled by the lack of services for these girls.

  • Sri-Lanka’s mother has since gone to rehab to fight her Gin and Tonic addiction.
  • Gigi Fitzroyal is now in counseling to help recover from her PTSD (Public Transport Southsider Disorder).
  • Sri-Lanka Byrne has since gotten pregnant with Leinster Academy rugger player and former Blackrock captain, Rob ‘Roids’ Cluskey.

People with little dogs need to stay in their lane.

Little dogs are the single most annoying specimens on Earth

Do you have a little dog?

If so, this article is for you; mainly because you need to wake up and go out and buy a proper dog. . .

How do you spot a small dog walker? They have these little retractable leashes that are really meant for your average hyperactive child.

I was walking my far more superior German Shepherd dog, Destroyer around outside in the local dog park. From the corner of the park came a pathetic pack of Shih Tzus. Little yokes started barking their little heads off. “Destroyer eats those things for breakfast”, I said to myself.

It’s a well known fact that Toy-dog owners train their dogs to do simply nothing but annoy the hell out of actual dogs.

The owner of these head-wreckers was visibly enjoying the little show they’d put on. Another large dog walker on the other side of the park nodded at me, acknowledging my dire situation. He took out his mobile phone to record the colossal fight that would go down between my dog and those little rodents.

More large dogs and their owners came to help incase this feud got out of hand. It was little dogs vs big dogs. A Korean large dog owner licks his lips as he anticipated the demise of these little creatures. I knew we could win.

The park was filled with an eerie tension; large dog owners had cleavers at the ready, small dog owners armed with their plastic-retractable leashes and tiny poo bags to suffocate any and all enemies. . .

The small dogs attacked first, but of course they didn’t do anything except yap like pregnant seagulls. Myself and all the large dog owners chuckle to ourselves. The small dog owners were already looking defeated.

No words were spoken in these moments as it was at this point that everyone realized that a large legal case would ensue over the mass slaughter of nearly 60 ‘precious’, yappy, irritating and simply insufficient little dogs. They backed off.

People need to buy proper dogs. Simply wake up people!