Ireland’s 9 to 5 jobs, Article #2: An interview with a speed camera van technician.

Dermot Road: ” Of course I have. It was just yesterday that I clocked an out of order, erratic and public endangering driver at 60 kilometers per hour in a 100 zone!”
”I made sure the Gardaí took away their Toyota Yaris, pension and local bridge club membership”.

It all started when the I.D.C interviewing team was tearing up the N11 one Saturday morning, probably searching for their next insightful story.

A voice chirped up from what was the boot of our SUV.

It was in fact the farmer for whom we had promised a lift into Dublin. However the duct tape around his mouth made every word incomprehensible so we just gave him a Tractor magazine to read and he quietened down.

Don’t worry, he was quite comfortable.

We were planning to buy the farmer a pack of Tayto at the petrol station, however just before we went to grab a 2 for 1 deal we spotted a speed camera van perched on the side of the road.

We thought it’d be a good idea to stop and interview the technician inside. We had to see just who was lurking behind what is considered the most secretive and well paid job in Ireland.

It was nearly hitting lunch time. We walked 200m up the hard shoulder to the van.

After knocking on the window and introducing ourselves to a man eating a burger for his lunch, we asked if we could interview him, to which he gladly accepted because “this is the only human contact I’ve had in years”.

We hopped in the van and completely ignored the fact that there were six Irish Times reporters laying unconscious in a meat grinder next to a burger patty maker, and we started to ask our questions. . .

I.D.C Reporter: So tell us about yourself, what you do, how you got the job and give us an insight into the daily operations of a speed camera van technician.”

These were Dermot Road’s words.

Dermot Road: ” Well to start, it’s no scam. I truly believe that even if you’re within the speed limit that you should receive 3 penalty points, a €100 fine and a slap across the face by Leo Varadkar.”

” Anyways, my name’s Dermot Road, I’m a speed camera van technician and I absolutely love my job. I recently got my degree in ‘Hiding The Van Behind A Bridge So You Can’t See Me Until The Last Moment-onomics’.”

” We believe that this operation is a great way to needlessly fine the common commuter out of their hard earned money.”

I.D.C Reporter: ” Have you ever caught a reckless driver red handed?”

Dermot Road: ” Of course I have. It was just yesterday that I clocked an out of order, erratic and public endangering driver at 60 kilometers per hour in a 100 zone!”

“I made sure the Gardaí took away their Toyota Yaris, pension and local bridge club membership”.

SEE MORE LIKE THIS: Ireland’s 9 to 5 jobs, Article #1: Daily Routine of a Ryanair Check-in desk Manager.

” I got the job when an R.S.A (Road Safety Authority) scout approached me after noticing I’d cut the string on a child’s balloon, and deemed me so uncaring about people’s feelings that I should become a speed camera van technician.”

Van technician Dermot Road continues…

” I follow the RSA’s strict guidelines if I’m approached by an angry commuter”.

” I pepper spray ’em, cuff ’em and behead them with a samurai sword on the side of the motorway to show any drivers coming by that you can’t argue with the heavy hand of the law”.

// SPONSORED ADVERTISEMENT: RSA beheadings can be spectated on most dual carriage ways. Special bookings can be made at TheUltimatePenaltyForSpeeding website for families who love seeing lobbing off the heads of people who were a mere kilometer over the speed limit//

Dermot Road: ” I specialize in first holy communion events actually. Beware any speeding Priests.”

Dermot continues to serve on the frontlines and in the future hopes to write a deluxe Burger cook book, make some friends and to defect to Japan to attend a Samurai head chopping conference.

Ireland’s 9 to 5 jobs, Article #1: Daily Routine of a Ryanair Check-in desk Manager.

Here at Irish Daily Complainer, we like to really provide an inside story on daily issues and international topics. We aim to create impactful, insightful and perspective changing news (which definitely is serious).

This series aims to give a review and in-depth story into the lives of Ireland’s functioning members of society. We take a considerable amount of time to analyze and create meaningful posts for our readers.

So, prepare your self for ‘Article #1′. This post contains some pretty scary lookin’ images; so if your at all squeamish at the sight of the typical Ryanair check in desk worker, please leave this page immediately, and retreat to the nearest safe space ( Aer Lingus checkin desk).

  • This is the daily routine of Deirdre ‘ pink highlights ‘ O’Reilly.
WARNING: Specimen is found in 99% of European airports. Approach with caution.

We interviewed Ms. O’Reilly on her lunch break at Dublin Airport.

This was her compelling story. She gave us an exclusive look into the daily routine of a Ryanair Check-in desk manager.

For necessary safety precautions we placed a muzzle on Ms. O’Reilly just incase she decided to attack us. This was unknown territory, so we also hired a private security bodyguard and had the armed guardaí unit on standby. The nation held its breath.

“First of all I’d like to point out that if you at all make any comments about my 16 layers of fake tan, I’ll get my union onto yous”.

It was clear that Ms. O’Reilly meant business. Please note she only agreed to go ahead with the interview if we supplied herself and her colleagues with “our daily essentials”, which included a years supply of SuperBitch™ hairspray. Also

  • ChunkyMonkey SuperUltra™ eyebrow stick on strips.
  • ‘Sorry it’s too heavy’ perfume
  • Nunchucks for the girlies
  • A few bags of tayto.

Daily routine: 6am – 12am

Deirdre: “Yeah so I get up out of my bed and I wash my face. I than look to apply my resting b*itch face and I have a bowl of Shredded Dreams™”.

I.D.C Reporter: “Well, what next is on the daily routine for Deirdre?”

Deirdre: ” I apply my XXL Super-Chunky-Clunky-Monkeys™ eyeliner. I Put on my clothes and leave for work. When I arrive to my check-in desk, I take out my essentials for the day ahead and place them upon my desk”.

“I make sure to gather my nun-chucks,pepper spray and usually aim to read a chapter of ’20 ways to tactically takedown innocent passengers’ before our first unsuspecting family comes to the desk”.

“I than use the first 30 mins or so to sharpen up on my unnecessary arguing skills. By now it’s about 10:30 am. I’ve really gotten into the groove of things by this time of the day and I’ve nearly hit my daily recommended quota for ‘number of incapacitated customers’. This is why I do my job. I love every moment of it. Whether it’s letting someone know they’re 10 grams overweight on their baggage or that their flight will be delayed, it gives me amazing satisfaction”.

“Before lunch I make sure to get a qualified airport baggage engineer to rig my weighing scales to read an extra 1kg overweight. Because who doesn’t love seeing people rip out heavy towels from their luggage?”

Lunch time: 12am/ whenever the last passenger has been passively aggressively dealt with.

I.D.C Reporter: ” This has been an absolutely eye opening and fascinating interview so far; tell us more Ms O’Reilly”.

Deirdre: “Um, well, I mean, if I get the munchies for lunchies I’ll nip upstairs to the nearest fast food joint and down 2 or 3 chicken subs. If I’m feeling really in the flow of my job and I feel I’ve fulfilled my potential for the day so far, I’ll grab an edition of ‘Angry Baggage Weekly'”.

She continued: “It’s because if I think a passenger is being rude I’ll throw their luggage into my incinerator, which is located under my desk. I got it in Argos for the price of dirt. The magazine contains good articles on technique for my back.

Well, that’s what 20 years of heavy luggage lifting does to your health.”

1pm/when last sandwich has been downed.

“I mean, I just continue to do my job until 4pm. That’s it. The normal procedure.

Dreams to destroy, places to go, people to see under a pleasurable amount of stress”.

4pm-6pm.

I.D.C Reporter:” So after work has finished, do you have any leisure time with your ‘girlies’ “?

Deirdre: “Is that even a question? I mean yeah, we have our beauty sessions everyday. Saunas, tanning sessions, manicures, pedicures. Sometimes we shower. However we aim to be as repulsive as possible toward our customers in some aspects. It’s almost a cult here”.

“I usually get an extra layer of tan done, and deliberately miss spots I know others will notice. For the nails, it has to be yellow and blue, because how else do you support the cause”?

“After my day has finished, I will return home and prep for my next day. I usually stare at myself in the mirror, wear red contact lenses and chant my warrior mantras. One of which being ‘can you please produce a passport, boarding card, luggage and a reason to live’, which I say over and over again. I look to be the best in my field of expertise”.

” When I go to sleep I play Bob Marleys ‘no passenger no fly’ on my phone, to help me get some sleep”.

* Disclaimer: purely satirical article.