General satire

Ireland’s 9 to 5 jobs, Article #2: An interview with a speed camera van technician.

Dermot Road: ” Of course I have. It was just yesterday that I clocked an out of order, erratic and public endangering driver at 60 kilometers per hour in a 100 zone!” ”I made sure the Gardaí took away their Toyota Yaris, pension and local bridge club membership”.

It all started when the I.D.C interviewing team was tearing up the N11 one Saturday morning, probably searching for their next insightful story.

A voice chirped up from what was the boot of our SUV.

It was in fact the farmer for whom we had promised a lift into Dublin. However the duct tape around his mouth made every word incomprehensible so we just gave him a Tractor magazine to read and he quietened down.

Don’t worry, he was quite comfortable.

We were planning to buy the farmer a pack of Tayto at the petrol station, however just before we went to grab a 2 for 1 deal we spotted a speed camera van perched on the side of the road.

We thought it’d be a good idea to stop and interview the technician inside. We had to see just who was lurking behind what is considered the most secretive and well paid job in Ireland.

It was nearly hitting lunch time. We walked 200m up the hard shoulder to the van.

After knocking on the window and introducing ourselves to a man eating a burger for his lunch, we asked if we could interview him, to which he gladly accepted because “this is the only human contact I’ve had in years”.

We hopped in the van and completely ignored the fact that there were six Irish Times reporters laying unconscious in a meat grinder next to a burger patty maker, and we started to ask our questions. . .

I.D.C Reporter: ” So tell us about yourself, what you do, how you got the job and give us an insight into the daily operations of a speed camera van technician.”

These were Dermot Road’s words.

Dermot Road: ” Well to start, it’s no scam. I truly believe that even if you’re within the speed limit that you should receive 3 penalty points, a €100 fine and a slap across the face by Leo Varadkar.”

” Anyways, my name’s Dermot Road, I’m a speed camera van technician and I absolutely love my job. I recently got my degree in ‘Hiding The Van Behind A Bridge So You Can’t See Me Until The Last Moment-onomics’.”

” We believe that this operation is a great way to needlessly fine the common commuter out of their hard earned money.”

I.D.C Reporter: ” Have you ever caught a reckless driver red handed?”

Dermot Road: ” Of course I have. It was just yesterday that I clocked an out of order, erratic and public endangering driver at 60 kilometers per hour in a 100 zone!”

“I made sure the Gardaí took away their Toyota Yaris, pension and local bridge club membership”.

SEE MORE LIKE THIS: Ireland’s 9 to 5 jobs, Article #1: Daily Routine of a Ryanair Check-in desk Manager.

” I got the job when an R.S.A (Road Safety Authority) scout approached me after noticing I’d cut the string on a child’s balloon, and deemed me so uncaring about people’s feelings that I should become a speed camera van technician.”

Van technician Dermot Road continues…

” I follow the RSA’s strict guidelines if I’m approached by an angry commuter”.

” I pepper spray ’em, cuff ’em and behead them with a samurai sword on the side of the motorway to show any drivers coming by that you can’t argue with the heavy hand of the law”.

// SPONSORED ADVERTISEMENT: RSA beheadings can be spectated on most dual carriage ways. Special bookings can be made at TheUltimatePenaltyForSpeeding website for families who love seeing lobbing off the heads of people who were a mere kilometer over the speed limit//

Dermot Road: ” I specialize in first holy communion events actually. Beware any speeding Priests.”

Dermot continues to serve on the frontlines and in the future hopes to write a deluxe Burger cook book, make some friends and to defect to Japan to attend a Samurai head chopping conference.

Seriously Funny Story: Nuns steal $500k, lash out on Las Vegas Casinos, or did they?

” …this is definitely the first church controversy ever”

It was recently discovered that a pair of nuns stole $500k from a local Christian institution. Seems ridiculous right? Read on…
I mean, just how can two opposites, which are just as far away from each other in similarity as Devin Toner and Michael D. Higgins come together to bring us this hilarious and ironic story?

definitely the first church controversy ever.

ageist, racist, nun-ist and unsuspecting-old-woman-ist.

The Pope himself has written into I.D.C HQ to state that he backs up the claims of the sisters and that while he was fundraising for a legitimate cause, he too had ‘accidentally had a gaff in the Vatican’.

Sister Jones answered one of our many questions while being detained in the sheriff’s questioning room.

“We arrived in Las Vegas on a missionary trip to spread the good work and love of the lord. Las Vegas is a great place to worship and connect with the large religious community here. We’ve been here before to attend many services held by all priests in all the local churches.”

Contrary to belief, the place doesn’t even supply top brand Russian vodk—-……. I mean whole grain communion.”

Our reporters and crew had to evacuate the interviewing room at the local police station after sister Mary ‘Praise-the-lord’ Jones became aggravated at our questions and suddenly produced a 12 inch machete made out of a carved cross and a bottle of blessed port while threatening to “wine-board” us.
Sister Jones was apprehended. We did not press charges.

It all makes sense however; large archways of beautiful buildings, lit up in amazing lights, with large congregations of god-loving-charity giving individuals playing games, while also giving to charitable causes.
There’s simply no way possible that the nuns gambled it all away deliberately. To them, this was “an opportunity to connect with the younger generation while carrying out good Christian duties”.
As sister Sineád Mcgrath O’Connaire Murphy Rourke Mckillicuddy O’Brien-Shea of Ballynahinch-Ragart-Killmac-On-Shannon Holy Catholic Church told one reporter.
“I back up the claims of the American sisters. They should be forgiven. I too made the mistake of stumbling into and spending my entire congregations’ funds on entertainment. It’s happened before.”

It was later confirmed that the nuns made a clearly genuine mistake and that they should have gone to Nun-Savers™

YouTuber fan breaks glass with voice. Loss of hearing within a 3km radius.

Reports have come in to I.D.C HQ that during a meet up in Dublin, a youtuber fan screeched so loudly that 15,000 people were admitted to A & E for burst eardrums. It happened midday, nearly 2 weeks ago.

Gardaí are on the look out for the youtuber ‘Sean Treacy’, who is accused of showing his face in public, which lead to the mass hearing loss of the surrounding members of public.

We interviewed the screecher at her home in Stellton, in stelltown, West Visuals district. To hide her identity her name has been changed to Amy.

In an exclusive interview, Amy told us what it was like to lay eyes upon her ‘biggest fan ever like’.

“Like you know he just stepped out of the Luas and Omer-God like, my friend pointed him out like, look there’s stellar. Before I knew it I had like haha like yeah Omer-God totally- literally murdered the eardrums of 15,000 innocent people. That’s like a lot of ears haha.”

Amy than went on in depth about how this youtuber is ‘omergawd super stellar dreamy’.

Later that day she was admitted to Crumlin Children’s Hospital, where she had a megaphone removed from her throat. Amy was diagnosed with S. PTSD. That is Stellar-PTSD.

During the interview……Amy had a ‘Stellar Flashback’.

This lead to a fatal event during the interview however. Amy proceeded to scream ‘Omergaaaaaawwwwd Stellllllll’ while jumping up and down uncontrollably.

Our chief editor ‘Brian’ unfortunately passed away at the scene. He was within the 5 meter kill radius… Our deepest condolences are presently with his family ⭐️.

Amy returned home later that day. She is now in a special voice-unit in Crumlin. This is certainly a first.

RIP BRIAN 1986 -2018.

‘SHE WAS VERY VERY LOUD’.