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Sri Lanka’s diary entry #1: You just can’t trust road signs.

Sri-Lanka Byrne has a tough time in an unknown area of Dublin. ‘Read more’ below the ads.

.9th of February 2019.

Dear diary,

I was on the M50 heading northbound on the way to meet the girlos in town for a mid-to-late lunch and an ol’ gossip.

You have to be careful on the M50 as it has a total mix of people driving on the roads. I read somewhere that there’s like 10 commoners for every 1 pure-blooded South-Sider.

Because of this, I have to drive with 6 armoured support units behind me. Ya like it’s expensive, sure, but like nothing beats blowing up a few commoner cars that get too close. After all, my father is the Minister for Private Schools.

For example; John, my explosives specialist like literally blew up this embarrassing Ford Focus in the overtaking lane.

In the confusion and joy of blowing up cars, I may have taken a wrong turn. I thought the exit sign said ‘Young, Handsome Leinster Academy Rugger Players’.

I was separated from the rest of the convoy. But screw it, I was on my way to find the man of my dreams, probs a 6 foot 6 stunner.

Ya, well, I ended up at these like, traffic lights. A man came over in a yellow luminous vest. I was like to myself, “Yas, omergod Sri, that vest could just be the new jersey for the U20’s team”.

And guess what? It was actually a guy trying to sell me newspapers! I nearly puked. Like omergod, just no.

Then the ‘Rover broke down. So I continued on foot to try and find wherever these Leinster Rugger Players were at. I tried cracking open a tub of whey protein to get them to come out of their habitats.

However, after a good few hours of searching I simply gave up and I went to find a hotel to stay the night. I ended up at a massive hotel that had multiple levels of parking. I needed somewhere to stay. I needed a private room.

In the reception, one person was being carted in by like 10 people to their own private room. Like this place was state of the art! 10 private servants? Back at the monsion we only have 1 per room!

Like, what kind of a hotel was this? Especially with a name like ‘A & E’. It sounded fancy.

The receptionist was like “what’s the injury? why are you here? do you need help?”

I was like “Ya I do actually need help, mental injury like. I’ve overdosed on disappointment. I’ll take a room thanks” She was like, “Sorry you need a real injury or life threatening issue in order to stay here”. I left the hotel. . .

The father told me over the mobile that I was in an area that’s not even on the Monopoly board! Ew.

Ya, well I just slept in the ‘Rover out on the street. So, just saying like, it’s deffo Ireland’s worst hotel.

Like, what kind of a name is ‘Tallaght Hospital‘ anyways?

Joey’s diary entry #1: Me Gooser jacket horror story.

Joey is terrified over his ripped jacket!
‘Read more’ below

.Feb 2nd 2019. Joey’s Secret Diary

Dear diary,

‘Ah jaesus this Gooser is so bleedin’ noice’, I thought to meself, after walking out of tha Brown Tomo store. I decided to name the jacket ‘Jackie’.I also just dropped a few hundo euros on a pair of ‘Nike scatterlads‘.

A yous have no clue; the amount of fit girls looking me way was mad. I swear there was wan bird eyeing me up and down as if I was a meal. I nodded to me boy’ose on the corner of Dealersteet, me territory of this part of Dublin.

Business is booming at the moment. That tax reduction the North Side Dáil introduced on Cocaine really makes the difference in me profits. That means I don’t have to add flour or bakin’ soda to the produce to bulk it out.

Speakin’ of flour that reminds me of the days before the tax cut. I don’t tell the lads but I’m actually quite a charitable person. I once donated some cooking ingredients to help with an old people’s home party in BallyCivic.

So basically, I arrived in me Subaru with what I thought was flour for their choco cake. Well long story short it was actually me Pure Columbian Cocaine that I donated!

Funny stuff tha. But I feel so bleedin’ sorry now for the overweight oldy who told me he loves choco cake. Rest In Peace Barry. You exceeded the two-slice dosage pal.

Anyways,

I was walking down tha street on tha way to obtain another load of chips and coke for me lunch. I was starving me face off. A spice bag cost tree euro but I wasn’t going to pay a ridiculous wad of cash for me lunch; so I wipped out me handbook on ‘Dublin Survival Tips For Tha Lads’.

This little bible of a book helped me get through the six year long national shortage of chips and vinegar.

So, what did I do? I used tip no. 56: ‘When doubt, steal tha bleedin’ bag of chips’.

I snatched and ran. The chipper owner was fumin’. I made it out of tha door, but I just had to snatch me Gooser on the door handle. Suddenly a cloud of feathers exploded out of me jacket.

I ran down the street and into an alleyway. I was sweating and breathing more heavily than a Pedo in Legoland. It was at this moment that tears were shed. ‘Jackie’ was ruined.

There I lay for a long bleedin’ time before I called one of the lads to pick me up.

I was a mess. The day will come soon though, when I’ll get a Gooser nicer than ‘Jackie’. Besides she wasn’t that loyal anyways, swear I saw Davo unzipping her the other night at me gaff!

Sincerely, Joey.

Ireland’s 9 to 5 jobs, Article #2: An interview with a speed camera van technician.

Dermot Road: ” Of course I have. It was just yesterday that I clocked an out of order, erratic and public endangering driver at 60 kilometers per hour in a 100 zone!” ”I made sure the Gardaí took away their Toyota Yaris, pension and local bridge club membership”.

It all started when the I.D.C interviewing team was tearing up the N11 one Saturday morning, probably searching for their next insightful story.

A voice chirped up from what was the boot of our SUV.

It was in fact the farmer for whom we had promised a lift into Dublin. However the duct tape around his mouth made every word incomprehensible so we just gave him a Tractor magazine to read and he quietened down.

Don’t worry, he was quite comfortable.

We were planning to buy the farmer a pack of Tayto at the petrol station, however just before we went to grab a 2 for 1 deal we spotted a speed camera van perched on the side of the road.

We thought it’d be a good idea to stop and interview the technician inside. We had to see just who was lurking behind what is considered the most secretive and well paid job in Ireland.

It was nearly hitting lunch time. We walked 200m up the hard shoulder to the van.

After knocking on the window and introducing ourselves to a man eating a burger for his lunch, we asked if we could interview him, to which he gladly accepted because “this is the only human contact I’ve had in years”.

We hopped in the van and completely ignored the fact that there were six Irish Times reporters laying unconscious in a meat grinder next to a burger patty maker, and we started to ask our questions. . .

I.D.C Reporter: ” So tell us about yourself, what you do, how you got the job and give us an insight into the daily operations of a speed camera van technician.”

These were Dermot Road’s words.

Dermot Road: ” Well to start, it’s no scam. I truly believe that even if you’re within the speed limit that you should receive 3 penalty points, a €100 fine and a slap across the face by Leo Varadkar.”

” Anyways, my name’s Dermot Road, I’m a speed camera van technician and I absolutely love my job. I recently got my degree in ‘Hiding The Van Behind A Bridge So You Can’t See Me Until The Last Moment-onomics’.”

” We believe that this operation is a great way to needlessly fine the common commuter out of their hard earned money.”

I.D.C Reporter: ” Have you ever caught a reckless driver red handed?”

Dermot Road: ” Of course I have. It was just yesterday that I clocked an out of order, erratic and public endangering driver at 60 kilometers per hour in a 100 zone!”

“I made sure the Gardaí took away their Toyota Yaris, pension and local bridge club membership”.

SEE MORE LIKE THIS: Ireland’s 9 to 5 jobs, Article #1: Daily Routine of a Ryanair Check-in desk Manager.

” I got the job when an R.S.A (Road Safety Authority) scout approached me after noticing I’d cut the string on a child’s balloon, and deemed me so uncaring about people’s feelings that I should become a speed camera van technician.”

Van technician Dermot Road continues…

” I follow the RSA’s strict guidelines if I’m approached by an angry commuter”.

” I pepper spray ’em, cuff ’em and behead them with a samurai sword on the side of the motorway to show any drivers coming by that you can’t argue with the heavy hand of the law”.

// SPONSORED ADVERTISEMENT: RSA beheadings can be spectated on most dual carriage ways. Special bookings can be made at TheUltimatePenaltyForSpeeding website for families who love seeing lobbing off the heads of people who were a mere kilometer over the speed limit//

Dermot Road: ” I specialize in first holy communion events actually. Beware any speeding Priests.”

Dermot continues to serve on the frontlines and in the future hopes to write a deluxe Burger cook book, make some friends and to defect to Japan to attend a Samurai head chopping conference.

South Side girl Sri-Lanka Byrne discovered clinging to a bottle of Baileys in her Mini Cooper.

With her friends nowhere to be seen, MasterCard dangerously low and with Sri-Lanka’s fear of commoners walking within meters of the car… It would be a long and dangerous night.

News just in: South side student found crying in Mini Cooper.

Sri-Lanka Byrne, 18 from Loretto on the Bank was found crying in her car just hours after being out in town with friends.

Sri-Lanka had supposedly posted a photo on the social media platform, Instagram. A few hours later she was discovered clinging to a bottle of Baileys in her Mini Cooper.

Sri-Lanka had not reached her 2 million minimum ‘like’ threshold and as a result of pure sadness and a feeling of an ending to her life, had nearly fallen into a deep socially induced coma.

These were the events that unfolded…

It was nearly 10pm South Side time.

With her friends nowhere to be seen, MasterCard dangerously low and with dangerous commoners walking within mere meters of the car… It would be a long and dangerous night.

We managed to find Sri-Lanka’s number through her school’s directory.

She gave us an account of what happened over the phone.

Sri-Lanka: “I don’t know where it went wrong like. I was out on the lash with the girlies and got some super-duper cute photos. I was wearing an adorable outfit that I got on sale from BOOHOO.”

She continued…

“It was obsolutely perfect; the lighting, the angles, the time of posting. I’m getting daddy to sue Instagram for me. I only got 1.6 million likes and 20,000 comments”.

“Oi actually think that it’s a sheer lack of appreciation of how amazing I am actually, actually like.”

Sri-Lanka only had mere hours to live.

Luckily, an emergency beacon was picked up by Loretto on the Bank’s Central Emergency Mummy Control Centre, which is located in the school, right next to the school’s private Snobby Pear café.

Fun fact: The private Snobby Pear café in the school lobby is made of 100% recycled iPhone X’s.

Sri-Lanka was discovered by Loretto on the Bank’s emergency Land Rover Discovery Unit, where she was resuscitated and than driven back to her home, in Donnygosh.

Sri-Lanka:“Yea I actually cannot thank the rescuers enough like. I couldn’t find the emergency alert button in the car, mainly because it was obsolutely covered in cash.”

Rescue vehicle para-ya-medic, Eve Fitzyaa told us…

“I was hosting a drinks night for the ladies of Loretto on the Bank in my four-story monsion in Foxbrook when the alarm sounded. It was surreal actually that an emergency like this was taking place… because usually the girls manage to go home with a Leinster Academy rugby player”.

“Anyways the ladies got suited up, I fired up the ‘Rover and off we went…”

“Upon our obsolutely tragic discovery, Sri-Lanka was down to her last 20ml of Baileys so we made sure to establish an IV drip as soon as possible.”

“We were all octually afraid for our lives. The amount of commoners walking around outside only made our jobs more difficult. Their obsolute commoner stench nearly forced us to abort the mission.”

“Because of the dark, differentiating commoners from us is very difficult, so we used our ‘Portable Botox’ pouches to reassure Sri-Lanka that we were there to save her from the lower-middle class zombies outside.”

After telling us of her and her teams’ heroic rescue, Eve Fitzyaa recounts the tragic loss of a former student at Loretto on the Bank…

“Last sommer we actually lost a student…ya…I know right? Her Instagram sadness to blood ratio was simply too high. Rest In Peace Libya, you were a fontastic person.”

Loretto on the Bank has now lowered the required instagram popularity threshold to only 1 million ‘likes’.

Sri-Lanka has since recovered and Eve Fitzyaa continues to heroically serve on the front lines every Saturday night…

That is, only if she isn’t obsolutely smashed after a few G and T’s herself.

Complaint #2: Designer brands and Inner City ‘gentlemen’.

We now see people walking around in designer jacket wear, acting as if they’re going on an expedition to the North Pole; when in fact the only expedition they’re having is to get another spice bag up in the local chipper and to get their cut from the local supplier.

Let’s start by saying that something has to be wrong with modern day consumerism when you realize that every second skinhead walking down Grafton Street happens to be wearing top brand designer clothing.

One of a multitude of possibilities has lead to the traditional grey trackie person (knacker) being able to purchase a brand new €600 winter jacket.

For any unimpressed members of public out there who would like me to use politically correct terminology; I’ll be sure to not offend you and use the term ‘members of a disadvantaged socio-economic class’.

I’ll also use the Latin term ‘addidasicus chipperae knackeridicus‘ if you like.

Let’s continue this brutally honest analysis. We now see people walking around in designer jacket wear, acting as if they’re going on an expedition to the North Pole; when in fact the only expedition they’re having is to get another spice bag up in the local chipper and to get their cut from the local supplier.

We spoke to ‘Joey’, a local dealer in the center of Dublin. Please note that ‘Joey’ identifies as a Brandsexual. That is, on Monday through Friday he wears his Louis, Gucci and Boss.

On Saturday with the lads he wears his Adidas originals. ‘Joey’ adds that the key day for defining his brand sexuality is when he’s at home on a Sunday with Mammy wearing his dinosaur onesie from Penny’s.

These were his words…

“Ah ye ya know like the gooser makes me feel like tha king. I may only be a little over 50kg but I sure can rock some Nikes and a designer jacket that I defo didn’t just steal from Brown Thomas last weekend.”

Something has to be wrong when the Canada Goose jacket to general public ratio is close to 1:2.

Reports have come in to I.D.C HQ that a herd of ‘addidasicus chipperae knackeridicus’ have stormed Brown Thomas and have taken every Moncler, Gucci and Goose jackets.

However maybe they’re just a herd of the modern day South side private school boys. Because now a days you can’t really spot the difference.

Top tips for any hard gang lads who are ‘looking to conquer tha world pal ye’ :

For extra effect, ask for a blade 1 buzz cut and equip only the shiniest of Nike airmax ‘fresshies’. Make sure to add a few grease streak marks here and there to further confirm the fact that you’re a leacher of the public health system.

If your feeling particularly like you want to mug someone, wear a fake Rolex watch.

It seems like the new calling card for selling drugs is no longer a pair of shoes dangling on a telephone line… Oh no…. it’s in fact a top quality jacket intended for people who don’t name their children Kelly, Shano or Danny spelled with an ‘i’.