Multiple Garda units stationed to supervise and protect the public at this year’s ‘longitude’ festival have been admitted to intensive healthcare units after multiple traumatic experiences and sleep deprivation.
The constant onslaught from youngsters at the festival looking for photos has left 50 members of the country’s most hardened veteran guardaí fighting for their mental stability in Ireland’s most advanced mental hospitals.
Many eye-witnesses conclude that the photo attacks came mainly from culchies wearing their county jerseys and South Dublin private school girls. One brave garda said in a private statement, ” I was stationed there right outside the main crowd for the Versatile performance. It was posh private school kids for miles, probably just out of their junior cert, trying to sound like knackers while singing key verses to Versatile’s Dublin City G’s “.
For 3 whole days…Our country’s most advanced units had to put up with cup team rugby lads getting photos for the gram, drunk Loretto on the Bank girlos and the occasional overly-friendly Kerry lad wearing a John Deere cap and a pinstriped shirt.
Another garda, known only in his local Dublin station as ‘Franko’ was left stationed alone for 13 hours in the most dangerous and unforgiving zone in the festival…the dreaded ‘snapchat zone’. ‘Franko’ states, ” It was 6pm and a performance had finished ahead of me. In an instant, from a distance, I saw my partner ‘Mesho’ be swarmed by an army of lads wearing ‘guess’ jumpers”.
God bless the brave garda who was last seen drowning in a pool of sweat mercilessly released by the most dangerous subjects at this year’s Longitude festival… the bare-chested transition year student wielding a deadly cup of Orchard Thieves.