New emerging species ‘Electricus Scooterus’ discovered in Dublin suburb.

READ: New species emerges in the Dublin suburbs. Is it dangerous or tame? Is it even capable of following the basic rules-of-the-road?

Set the scene:

It’s a Thursday mid-rush hour commute home in Ranelagh . The rush-hour animals have come out of their 9-5 hibernation. The mighty Dublin Bus Buffalo rushes to the next watering hole to pick up a herd of commuters.

The Oversized Mummy Jeep Jaguar attempts a daring but calculated parallel park on the busy streets, aided by mother nature’s car sensors and rear view cameras. The herd of motor-bikers weave through the D6 undergrowth.

An IDC nature watch team sits on a street corner of one of the most unforgiving commuter habitats of Dublin’s suburbs. It’s an average day for the team, with only a few sightings of a ‘Mopedicus Minimusand the occasional Spanish Student Busicus (migrates into local habitats yearly).

David, (Chief of Dublin IDC Nature Watch) reports; “On the horizon of the Ranelagh Savanna came rather majestically an unknown species, a type we’ve never seen before. Some sort of electrically powered vehicle, in the thousands came over the crest of the Main Street.”

A sample from a deceased ‘Electricus Scooterus’ concluded it is a genetic strain originating from a nearby I.T firm. Ridden solely by suicidal helmet-wearing creatures who have no regard for the rules of the vast Savanna road.

David comments on an Electricus Scooterus displaying its dominance over the other animals, “the alpha male, while perched upon this device is immediately above the law. We saw one such creature run a red light, swerve out behind a Dublin Bus Buffalo and cross a full intersection with no right of way.”

Because this species is a new emergent, we have no roadside casualty data as of now however since their introduction into this ecosystem, the number of ‘Car Normalus Commuterus’ mental breakdowns has spiked. This is mainly attributed to the Electricus Scooterus’s lack of brain stem, pre-frontal cortex and spine, which causes the creature to make life-threatening and simply childish decisions on the road.

If you encounter an ‘Electricus Scooterus’ in the wild, do not approach. These animals don’t possess the wit or the mental capacity to communicate, even by hand signals. They seem to be more preoccupied by trying to make themselves and others a roadside statistic on a daily basis, from their apartment commute to their office, and back.

Hunting season is all year-round.


Author: Irish Daily Complainer

The non serious tabloid.

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