These Girls Are Desperate For Fake Tan

This much needed rant is in response to a fake tan robbery statistic released by the Irish Pharmacy Union.

A bit of tan here and there is grand. . . just you know, don’t suffocate yourself.

A real statistic released by the Irish Pharmacy Union (IPU) says that fake tan is the most stolen item in country-wide pharmacies. 50% of all pharmacy robberies to be exact.


But hey, these girls have several good reason to steal a 750ml of L’Oreal. Don’t they?

Girls these days are so desperate to be the next Oompa Loompa employee of the month in their chocolate factory. Willy Wonka clearly doesn’t need any health and safety measures because his workers are already caked in seven layers of fluorescent, high vis tan.

Approach with extreme caution

Many girls now a-days are needlessly spending their hard earned cash on looking like a tangerine. In fact, just last week I saw a ‘tangerine’ girl walk out of Abra Kebabra and getting thrown into the back of an orange truck. I desperately tried to rescue her but my attempts were simply fruitless.

Girls (and some guys) would be safer to accept the fact that us Celts simply have pasty, white skin.

I went up to a girl at a bar who had what I call ‘Cheeto skin’ and I poured my drink over her. What a sight that was.

I spoke over the phone to ‘Star’, a 26 year-old Dublin girl, who, when needs fake tan, robs it from her local Boots Pharmacy. She’s one of my most hated neighbours. . . right behind the annoying woman up my road who doesn’t take her Christmas tree down until the 25th of March.

*some phone chatter later*

Star: ” Yeah so I get out of work at 6pm, let’s say on a Friday. I drive down to Boots to nick me some absolutely beautiful St. Tropez natural tan. Does the trick most of the time. I call the girls up and go out on the lash in town.”

A had to call her out on her actions.

Me: ” Are you aware that you’re abusing the Geneva Convention by luring men into horrible and inhumane traps? An example of which, being your face?”

Star: ” What a horrible thing to say!. . . That’s not true. I only apply seventeen layers of tan. Get off the line!”

I had to finish the call with an important point of information. . .

Me: ” Literally every self-respecting man on a night out can clearly see you’ve lured many poor souls into your terrible traps. By the way, the armed guards are on their way to arrest your horrible soul for false advertising of your face.”

Please know that I have already written to Leo Varadkar to start a nation-wide government crack down on any girls who wear more than 3 layers of tan.

I also want the government to arrest any individuals on the spot who’s named ‘Danni‘.


Author: Irish Daily Complainer

The non serious tabloid.

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