I woke up this morning in my bunker and went to the kitchen to fix myself some breakfast.
Coffee…made. Eggs…poached.
Everything was going well. That is, until I ventured into the riskiest and most dangerous part of everyone’s morning routine; putting on the toast.
This morning I had a choice between bread or a bagel. I took the bagel option. Toaster on.
Well, I burnt the bagel to a crisp after about 30 seconds. How could I do this? I’ve never burnt anything before! 
Now this is the reason our economy isn’t doing as well as it should. Innocent Irish citizens every morning are being screwed over by burning their bagels.
I mean, at least with regular bread, we can all calculate the relative time needed for the bread, taking into account various bread specific factors for that bread.
Note that this is a highly established science. This particular example proves Brennan’s second law of breado-dynamics.
Not with bagels. You see, bagels are deceiving to calculate time needed in the toaster because of their deceiving round shape, non existent center and the curve of the bagel circumference is more exposed to heat in the toaster.
This tragic and frequent morning disaster has lead to the creation of ‘Burnt Bagels Anonymous’, where anyone in an abusive relationship with bagels can openly communicate and share experiences with other victims of this phenomenon.
They give tips to each other on how to scrape off burnt parts of the bagel.
Victims of burnt bagels experience heightened levels of stress, anxiety and irritation in the workplace, which I believe negatively impacts our economy. 96% of bagel burners are late to work.
I spoke with a functioning bagelholic ‘Jane’ over telephone.
Jane: ” The first few times I tried a bagel, it was amazing. The texture, the unique shape, the sexy curves. Little did I know that a bagel is actually an unreliable source of nutrition for the early morning rush “.
She continued…
Jane: ” My world came crumbling down when one day I burnt one of the bagels. I’m now addicted to not burning my bagel in the morning, which means going through 6 packs of bagels. I’m usually late to work by 9 hours.”
Listening to this lights a certain fire in my soul. What tragedy! What misery!
I thought this was a first world country. In my opinion this is an utter disgrace.
I.D.C 