Joey’s diary entry #1: Me Gooser jacket horror story.

.Feb 2nd 2019. Joey’s Secret Diary

Dear diary,

‘Ah jaesus this Gooser is so bleedin’ noice’, I thought to meself, after walking out of tha Brown Tomo store. I decided to name the jacket ‘Jackie’.I also just dropped a few hundo euros on a pair of ‘Nike scatterlads‘.

A yous have no clue; the amount of fit girls looking me way was mad. I swear there was wan bird eyeing me up and down as if I was a meal. I nodded to me boy’ose on the corner of Dealersteet, me territory of this part of Dublin.

Business is booming at the moment. That tax reduction the North Side Dáil introduced on Cocaine really makes the difference in me profits. That means I don’t have to add flour or bakin’ soda to the produce to bulk it out.

Speakin’ of flour that reminds me of the days before the tax cut. I don’t tell the lads but I’m actually quite a charitable person. I once donated some cooking ingredients to help with an old people’s home party in BallyCivic.

So basically, I arrived in me Subaru with what I thought was flour for their choco cake. Well long story short it was actually me Pure Columbian Cocaine that I donated!

Funny stuff tha. But I feel so bleedin’ sorry now for the overweight oldy who told me he loves choco cake. Rest In Peace Barry. You exceeded the two-slice dosage pal.

Anyways,

I was walking down tha street on tha way to obtain another load of chips and coke for me lunch. I was starving me face off. A spice bag cost tree euro but I wasn’t going to pay a ridiculous wad of cash for me lunch; so I wipped out me handbook on ‘Dublin Survival Tips For Tha Lads’.

This little bible of a book helped me get through the six year long national shortage of chips and vinegar.

So, what did I do? I used tip no. 56: ‘When doubt, steal tha bleedin’ bag of chips’.

I snatched and ran. The chipper owner was fumin’. I made it out of tha door, but I just had to snatch me Gooser on the door handle. Suddenly a cloud of feathers exploded out of me jacket.

I ran down the street and into an alleyway. I was sweating and breathing more heavily than a Pedo in Legoland. It was at this moment that tears were shed. ‘Jackie’ was ruined.

There I lay for a long bleedin’ time before I called one of the lads to pick me up.

I was a mess. The day will come soon though, when I’ll get a Gooser nicer than ‘Jackie’. Besides she wasn’t that loyal anyways, swear I saw Davo unzipping her the other night at me gaff!

Sincerely, Joey.