Young Dublin Climate Activist Comes to a Deadly Realisation.

Niamh suddenly disappears into the 4th dimension when asked a simple question.

It’s 1.pm outside of the Custom House in Dublin. Yet another global warming march is taking place. 10,000 students are marching for their future. Without a doubt, these individuals are completely devout to their cause. They really practise what they preach. It’s clear in fact, that from trying talking to a few guys and girls today that these crusaders have nothing but dedication for the greater good.

For instance, just outside of the main congregation of protesters we managed to speak to Niamh, a 16-year-old 5th year. When asked what she thinks of the current climate situation, Niamh expertly responds with a cleverly and coherently constructed response. Or so we thought at the start…

Niamh: “Yeah, erm, I mean like the world is just about hotter than Leonardo di Caprio at the moment. I think that everyone here are doing their best to combat this crisis. It’s going to heavily influence our future. I believe that the main issue is carbon emissions.”

Good start. Every reasonable person assumes she’s willing to lead by example, right? I mean she’s young, ambitious and a visionary, just like all those other climate crusaders, right? Please?

Interviewer: “Oh right great, so does this mean that you won’t fly on holidays abroad this summer to Portugal and release 900kg of carbon emissions to get there and back?”

Niamh’s face starts to shrivel.

And, as predicted, under such harsh facts had spontaneously combusted. Her brain short-circuited, creating a micro-blackhole; which transported her body, mind and soul into the 4th dimension by means of quantum self-absorption. Condolences to her beloved family.

SERIOUS NOTE: 

This climate crisis is very, very real. And it doesn’t take my explanation, well, because it has just about every person with at least their head screwed on behind the movement to mitigate the issues we’re facing. However, many can agree that in fact there’s a worrying amount of hypocrisy surrounding the issue, and we’re all the main culprits to be honest. However, without a doubt these ‘protests’ are microcosms of how all of our mindsets really work. We still go abroad, spend hours in our carbon tin boxes in traffic and buy cheap, mass produced clothes which were transported halfway across the globe to Pennys store in Dundrum. Half of the students there today aren’t remotely prepared to make these changes. And myself included, being a young student, I think that activism without true activism is devoid of moral integrity and is completely fruitless.

Next climate aware article will be from my Villa in the Algarve. 

 

NSFW WARNING: Sri-Lanka Byrne meets the ideal man.

Sri-Lanka catches a real masculine, matcho, manly man.

16th June 20-noiner-teener

Dear diary,

Last night was fully successful. Met a guy in town from St. Visa, who happens to be on the Leinster Academy rugger team. Name’s Atlas. We hit things off immediately. I’m a Sagittarius and thanks be to the holy lordo, he’s not a Gemini. He said he liked my accent, and the fact that Loreto on the Bank is over 2.5 mill a year to attend.

Than things got really steamy…He said he’d been to exotic and dangerous places (personal turn on). I love a sophisticated man (well travelled). He explained to me his far, wide and treacherous journeys to isolated tribes, like ‘Bray’ for example.

Turns out he also lives in a South Side compound near mine. I think the place was called ‘Shankill’. Supposedly the compound has voice recognition, so I guess if you sound like you fly Ryanair and go to Blanchardstown to get Krispy Kreme donuts at 3am, the compound private security guards will know about it.

Quick diary update: That snap of me in Thailand with a sedated tiger on the insta just got photo of the week in the SouthernWeekly! #takemeback 😝

I love a man who can provide security, both financially, emotionally and most importantly…through overbearing brutal and lethal force. He said they’ll get their new laser defense weapon systems from Israel in a day or two from now, so then I’ll be able to pay a stellar visit to my new full-back boyfriend.

The mother last night, while sipping on a largo glass of Hendrick’s said that going out of the compound like this is really dangerous, but after I mentioned to her that Atlas owns a place out in Portugal and that his Daddy is the Big Chief of a money bank, she said I could take the ‘rover some day.

With lots of like really passionate love and that jazz,

Yours sincerely, Sri x

Multiple garda units reported needing counseling after longitude festival.

Read this breathtaking report. Cultchies, Private Schools and the dreaded Orchard Theives attack by transition year students.

Multiple Garda units stationed to supervise and protect the public at this year’s ‘longitude’ festival have been admitted to intensive healthcare units after multiple traumatic experiences and sleep deprivation.

The constant onslaught from youngsters at the festival looking for photos has left 50 members of the country’s most hardened veteran guardaí fighting for their mental stability in Ireland’s most advanced mental hospitals.

Many eye-witnesses conclude that the photo attacks came mainly from culchies wearing their county jerseys and South Dublin private school girls. One brave garda said in a private statement, ” I was stationed there right outside the main crowd for the Versatile performance. It was posh private school kids for miles, probably just out of their junior cert, trying to sound like knackers while singing key verses to Versatile’s Dublin City G’s “.

For 3 whole days…Our country’s most advanced units had to put up with cup team rugby lads getting photos for the gram, drunk Loretto on the Bank girlos and the occasional overly-friendly Kerry lad wearing a John Deere cap and a pinstriped shirt.

Another garda, known only in his local Dublin station as ‘Franko’ was left stationed alone for 13 hours in the most dangerous and unforgiving zone in the festival…the dreaded ‘snapchat zone’. ‘Franko’ states, ” It was 6pm and a performance had finished ahead of me. In an instant, from a distance, I saw my partner ‘Mesho’ be swarmed by an army of lads wearing ‘guess’ jumpers”.

God bless the brave garda who was last seen drowning in a pool of sweat mercilessly released by the most dangerous subjects at this year’s Longitude festival… the bare-chested transition year student wielding a deadly cup of Orchard Thieves.

 

 

 

 

New emerging species ‘Electricus Scooterus’ discovered in Dublin suburb.

READ: New species emerges in the Dublin suburbs. Is it dangerous or tame? Is it even capable of following the basic rules-of-the-road?

Set the scene:

It’s a Thursday mid-rush hour commute home in Ranelagh . The rush-hour animals have come out of their 9-5 hibernation. The mighty Dublin Bus Buffalo rushes to the next watering hole to pick up a herd of commuters.

The Oversized Mummy Jeep Jaguar attempts a daring but calculated parallel park on the busy streets, aided by mother nature’s car sensors and rear view cameras. The herd of motor-bikers weave through the D6 undergrowth.

An IDC nature watch team sits on a street corner of one of the most unforgiving commuter habitats of Dublin’s suburbs. It’s an average day for the team, with only a few sightings of a ‘Mopedicus Minimusand the occasional Spanish Student Busicus (migrates into local habitats yearly).

David, (Chief of Dublin IDC Nature Watch) reports; “On the horizon of the Ranelagh Savanna came rather majestically an unknown species, a type we’ve never seen before. Some sort of electrically powered vehicle, in the thousands came over the crest of the Main Street.”

A sample from a deceased ‘Electricus Scooterus’ concluded it is a genetic strain originating from a nearby I.T firm. Ridden solely by suicidal helmet-wearing creatures who have no regard for the rules of the vast Savanna road.

David comments on an Electricus Scooterus displaying its dominance over the other animals, “the alpha male, while perched upon this device is immediately above the law. We saw one such creature run a red light, swerve out behind a Dublin Bus Buffalo and cross a full intersection with no right of way.”

Because this species is a new emergent, we have no roadside casualty data as of now however since their introduction into this ecosystem, the number of ‘Car Normalus Commuterus’ mental breakdowns has spiked. This is mainly attributed to the Electricus Scooterus’s lack of brain stem, pre-frontal cortex and spine, which causes the creature to make life-threatening and simply childish decisions on the road.

If you encounter an ‘Electricus Scooterus’ in the wild, do not approach. These animals don’t possess the wit or the mental capacity to communicate, even by hand signals. They seem to be more preoccupied by trying to make themselves and others a roadside statistic on a daily basis, from their apartment commute to their office, and back.

Hunting season is all year-round.